Alright, man. You know how it goes. Put on your best drug rug. Hit the bong. Take an edible with mushroom sprinkles. Now, sit back and enjoy the trip. It’s gonna be right on. 

Oh, you don’t smoke? Makes you paranoid, huh? Yeah, that’s cool too, man. Groovy. 

Uh…you sure you want to keep on the khakis and polo? Hey, no no no, that’s totally groovy. Yeah, whatever makes you most comfortable. I knew a dude who had to be buck naked to listen to King Gizz and the Liz Wiz. Never heard of them? Oh, cool. Yeah, they’re pretty cool. Cool. 

Well, anyway, let’s put on some tunes. You thinking Mars Hotel or Workingman’s Dead? Wait, no, let me guess… a rustic Terrapin Station? No, hey, no, it’s no worries that you don’t know any of those. That’s why we’re here. How about the absolute classic, American Beauty? No, not like the movie. Look at that cover art. 

Okay, I got the record spinning and the needle jjjjuuuuusssssssttttt right. You know it’s good when it crackles like that. Yes, it’s supposed to sound like it’s going through a blender. 

Okay. Okay. Okay, you hear those vocals? That’s Jerry Garcia. Yes, like the ice cream flavor. Do you have any? Well, that’s okay too, man. Listen. Listen. Really listen to those lyrics. It’s jussstttt a box of rain. Frick man, that gets me every single time. Okay, this next one absolutely hits. 

What? Yeah, it’s all guitars. That’s kinda the whole point. This is one of their “simpler” albums, but it’s the Dead at its rawest. The guitars and instruments hold up Jerry. He’s floating on Pigpen and Bob, and man, listen to Brent play. Taken too young.

You’re bored? 

Well, hold on. I’ll put on “U.S. Blues”. You can’t not like it. And it’s way more upbeat. 

WAVVVEEEE THAT FLAG! C’mon, man, you’re not feeling this? How could you not be feeling this? It’s peak vibes, man. It’s talking about the corruption and misdeeds of the nation during a time of social upheaval and the Vietnam War. Like, that’s deep, man. What do you mean, what happened in Vietnam? Okay, but listen to that line, “I’ll run your life, steal your wife. Ain’t no luck. I learned to duck.” Isn’t that funny? Get it? You don’t. Cool cool. That’s cool, man. Hey, you’re not smiling. 

Unamerican? Unamerican?!? The Dead IS America, man. 

No, no, no. It’s groovy. I’m not saying you’re wrong. It’s just, never mind. So not a Deadhead. Right on. 

Have you ever heard of a band called Phish?

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Daniel Wartham can be found in his spare time listening to the 2016 “Day of the Dead” Grateful Dead cover album and gardening. He is also a PhD student at UofSC. Other than that, he spends lots of time thinking about the environment, man.