How I Was Duped by SpongeBob SquarePants’ Totally Honest Match.com Profile
I know most on-line dating profiles are dazzling works of Pulitzer-worthy fiction. However, in the case of my absorbent, yellow, […]
I, Dr. Frankenstein, Would Like to Be Known for My Other Accomplishments
Dearest friends, I, Dr. Victor Frankenstein, am writing this letter because I have had an inordinately difficult time these past […]
Flibbertigibbets and Side-Hustles
You asked me what I would do with this time; these months, these aching months (even for those of us […]
Summer Sonics
She listened with one eye closed. I devoured with one nostril open. She minueted around the flat, flattening F and […]
My Best Friend, the Pizza Delivery Man
Monday Ordering pizza for one on a Monday evening isn’t okay, is it? I mean, it’s allowed, but it doesn’t […]
Sorry darling, the one I want to marry is that non-romanceable NPC in your route!
I want a fairy tale. Just not with you, darling. It’s not that you are flawed or whatsoever. No, no. […]
My Silent Partner
For almost a year, I’ve been in a three-way relationship. Anywhere I go — to the grocery store, gas station, […]
You Don’t Actually Want to Root for Howard Ratner…
…my buddy explains as he queues up Uncut Gems for at least the fifth time, this time being my first […]
King Lear
Remember two Marches ago when people on the internet were talking about how Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a plague […]
I Haven’t Had to Make Small Talk in a Long Time and Honestly I’m a Little Nervous About Saying the Wrong Thing Or Rambling Too Much Like My Grandfather Did When He Came Back From a Trip To Australia Where He Met His Illegitimate Son For the First Time Whose Mother Was a Prostitute He Visited During World War II
It’s so crazy to finally be back in an office without wearing a mask, right? It probably feels as surreal […]
Annals Of Crime: What If The Much Beloved Detective Brunetti Is Yanked Out Of Venice And Sent Packing To Mars
Italian detective Commissario Guido Brunetti stared out the rocket ship’s porthole, overcome with gloom as he watched Earth’s blue orb […]
Dad Fashion and Doctrine
Puma shorts, Vans tee, Reef sandals. Mormonism: cult, or denomination? Hurley hat, O’Neill boardies, Billabong tank top. Infant baptism: covenant […]
Climbing the Dirty Laundry Summit
Stopped around 4000 feet from Basecamp Dirty Sneakers, set up a tent for the night along some old, calcified tube […]
Aloysius Devadander Abercrombie
Christian Bale has been spotted walking around town in dirty navy-blue overalls and has been described as “noticeably smaller, gaunt, […]
Choices, Choices…
I’m having that dream again, where I’m standing on a cloud, waiting to be admitted into heaven, just like in […]
Treguard
With eternal gratitude to the 1980s/90s TV Programme Knightmare. They called it Treguard. Can you picture the meeting when the […]