Wicker is on fire.
Critical reception for the oddly ingenious breakout film has been overwhelmingly positive, garnering a 94% Certified Fresh score on Rotten Tomatoes and an IMDB rating of 7.1/10. Celebrated for its inventive fantasy-romance and prickly-comedic moments, Wicker itches the audience in their highly flammable spots. Central to the heat is the rivalry between Fisherwoman (Olivia Colman) and her not-so-demure castmate Tailor’s Wife (Elizabeth Debicki). Both eager for a roll in the reeds with Wicker Man (Alexander Skarsgård), who in real life has been weaving Tuva Novotny’s basket for a half-decade.
A formidable rival, Debicki’s hostility stems from a deep-seated jealousy over Colman’s highly orgasmic, unconventional romance with Wicker Man. Having abdicated her own agency, Tailor’s Wife represents sacrificed autonomy, which Debicki concedes she could live with if not for also becoming synonymous with boring sex.
“Why is she so fucking lovable?” Debicki seethed about Colman.
The announcement of her movie, Rattan, came on the heels of her prior lash-out. Debicki insists the movie, set to release January 21, at Sundance, is not about settling a score with Colman. “I’m simply following the growing demand for movies involving fuckable furniture.”
“Oh yeah, approved,” Colman chided back, delivering the line with the same excitement of the film version—when she discovers that her newly woven boy-toy is surprisingly talented at ye olde mattress stuffing.
“Bamboo, mahogany, cedar”—from the red carpet, the women berated back and forth before turning their insults to modern manufactured materials:
“Particleboard hussy,” slammed Debicki.
“Linoleum trash,” Colman snapped.
“Shows what you know, modern linoleum is an all-natural material, blending a smart combination of eco-friendly, renewable materials such as linseed, cork, jute and pine resin, with lasting, long-term value—about 40 years. Its colorfast construction enables both the colors and the patterns to penetrate the entire thickness of the composite, delivering a scratch-resistant surface that is antibacterial, softer and warmer underfoot than its synthetic contemporaries.”
“Amateur! Linoleum is slip resistant! You can’t have slip resistant lacquers and adhesives on sexfully purposed furniture. Your woefully lacking knowledge of topcoat polymers is an embarrassment to furniture fucking.”
“Yeah, well, your wicker is never going to survive an open patio, backyard or outdoor environment. Not to mention what happens to it when it’s exposed to harmful UV rays. Enjoy fucking inside forever.”
“Ever hear of a sunroom? A low-moisture year-round porch?”
“Doesn’t matter, it will eventually degrade. Rattan comes exclusively from tropical palm species, making it ideal for humid environments. Made of a dense, solid core—sturdy, strong and unbreakable for frequent use.”
“Frequent use? Keep telling yourself that, honey.”
“Don’t you have some dusty old wingchair to straddle?”
“Ladies, ladies, the construction of love is about…”
“Shut up, Skarsgård!” Finally, the women agreed on something.
Candi Joneth is a writer; living, researching and writing from the cold coast of Maine. She is a master’s candidate in Creative Writing and Literature from Harvard. She has published over 200 news articles, over 50 features, for three newspapers. She uses humor to release tension and engage humanity.
