I, Dr. Frankenstein, Would Like to Be Known for My Other Accomplishments
Dearest friends, I, Dr. Victor Frankenstein, am writing this letter because I have had an inordinately difficult time these past […]
I‘m Ashley Olsen and FYI, fools: I wasn’t carrying a machete. It was a bag from my elite fashion line, The Row.
Guys. So sorry to disappoint you. That long black thing I was holding in the recent photo of me “on […]
GO TO HELL! I’m James Naismith
Once I convinced myself that others were murmuring about my inability to shoot the ball into the basket, I seized […]
I Am Your Irritable Bowel And I Will Not Be Ignored!
I know you’re trying to pretend I don’t exist but that subtle release of air coming from your nether regions […]
I’m the Ugly Hawaiian Shirt Tucked Away in the Back Corner of Your Closet, and I’m Begging You to Put Me out of My Misery
From the moment I was manufactured, I prayed for the sweet release of death. My ugly mug was stitched together […]
I am Your Soulmate in Row 3 of 19th Cent Eur Hist
Dear Dr. Hubbler, I know you know who I am. Our eyes have locked several times as you scan the […]
Meet “Major Biden” on Rover.com! Seeking the Ideal Pet-sitter & Dog-Walker!
Location: Washington DC Pet: Dog Breed: German Shepherd Sex: Male Size: Large Color: Black and Tan Seeking: Pet-sitter, Dog-walker Hello, potential fur-babysitters and leash-holding humans! […]
I’m the Guy from the Song “Driver’s License” and That Girl is Fucking Crazy
Dude, I am the teenage guy being sang to in the song “Driver’s License” and I just need to let […]
Chet Deserves a Raise!: Open Letter to Heartland Communications, Inc.
Dear Heartland Communications, Inc., I have been a customer of yours for two years or so and I just wanted […]
Dear Martians, Don’t Come to Earth – but Please Bring along Magical USBs If You Do
An open letter addressing the buzz being created by the possible existence of UFOs – and naturally, humanity-ending aliens. Referencing […]
Dear People Who Begin Sentences By Saying, ‘I Mean,’ And Then Pausing,
First, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not distinguishing other things you tell me by first […]
I’m Like the Wayne Gretzky of Student Loans
Hello! I’m your graduate school student loan. I’m so happy to have helped you complete an MFA in Design at […]
OSHA’s Warning Letter to the Death Star
Dear Sir or Madam, As you may know, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA), exists to protect the safety […]
Ms. Ale & Mr. Beer: A Socially-Distanced Love Story
(“Full Send” Serial- Part Three) From: root.beer@pop.com To: ginger.ale@soda.com Subject Line: Let’s get thing popping! Dear Ginger, Meet me in the adult […]
Editor of Manly Men’s Responds to Zach’s Nose Pimple Submission
From: ManlyMensGroomingMonthly@MansStuff.com Sent: March 2, 2021 To: Cod-Pimple@BooHoo.com Subject: “My Battle with My Recurring Nose Pimple” by Zach Cod-Pimple (GROOMING SUBMISSION) Hi […]
I’m Nextdoor App’s In-the-Way Man, a Super-Legit, Certified Superhero
Dear neighbors, As most of you know, I’m In-the-Way Man, a real-life superhero who isn’t afraid to fight crime by getting […]