In these most uncertain times, we were hoping to offer some solid portfolio management advice from a trusted source, so we asked one of our new reporters to get Buffett’s take. It seemed a pretty straightforward assignment, but in hindsight, perhaps we should have tasked a more seasoned newsie.

In our defense, it’s not like we had a lot of options. Both of our usual business beat guys are holed up waiting this thing out.

“Are you kidding me? Buffett’s still driving that rickety old pick-up truck he bought before most of us were even born, so of course the cheap bastard doesn’t own a cell phone. You’re stuck going to meet with him in person, and there’s no way I was doing that,” explained normally reliable Jeremy Holmes. “Even if I didn’t get sick myself, I’d have likely exposed him. Then the old coot dies and I’m the asshole who killed Buffett. No fucking thank you!”

Clearly, we needed someone young and hungry—a newshound so eager to get the scoop that he’d be willing to risk almost certain death to someone. We found our man in Daryl Wilkie.

“Tracking him down was a real challenge,” said Wilkie. “The rumors about him not owning a cell phone are indeed true, but I persevered. When I finally found him lounging in a hammock strung up between two palm trees by the shore, I asked him why no phone, and he just said it would interfere with his vibe. The guy seems completely unfazed by this whole coronavirus panic, so who am I to question his logic?”

We’re pretty sure Buffett lives in Nebraska, so Wilkie’s comment about the palm trees was the first red flag. While certainly out of character for the notorious miser, we reasoned that it’s not completely implausible for a rich dude to escape to some remote beach to ride out the impending apocalypse. 

As Wilkie continued, however, we knew we had a real problem. “I didn’t really understand this assignment at first,” he admitted. “I mean, what worthwhile investing advice could a dope smoking slacker like Buffett really offer at a precarious time like this?” 

Huh? A fuddy-dud like Buffett smoking dope? We doubt the old curmudgeon would even tolerate a little second-hand cigarette smoke much less take a toke off a jay. Wilkie’s story definitely wasn’t adding up now. 

“To my surprise, the guy is actually pretty business savvy,” came Wilkie’s next bombshell.

Surprise? Um, he’s worth 80 billion dollars, Daryl. We’re about as shocked he has some business acumen as we are that Oprah knows her way around a buffet with one “t.”

Then Wilkie delivered the punchline via his source. “After exchanging pleasantries and partaking in a couple of frozen cocktails, I got straight to the point and asked Buffett for some investing tips. Here’s what he had to say:”

When I wrote those songs about cheeseburgers and margaritas, I really was just a beach bum. I never saw myself opening a chain of profitable restaurants until I realized just how gullible people are. If I could get them to swoon over my mediocre music, maybe I could get them to swallow some cheap eats, too. My advice, if you can get away with it, is to convince folks an inferior product like microwaveable pub food is cool and then overcharge them to cram into a tight space to get it.

Songwriting? Cheeseburgers and margaritas? A restaurant chain? Now wait just a darn minute, Daryl Wilkie. Exactly who the hell did you interview???

Well, by now dear reader I’m sure you’ve guessed his response. Yep, dipshit Daryl flew all the way to the Florida Keys and interviewed Jimmy Buffett instead of billionaire investment tycoon, Warren Buffett.

For fuck’s sake, Daryl, did we really need to mention his first name? One guy is a finance legend and the other is usually soused. We thought it was obvious.

To make a lousy situation worse, we can’t even pass on any of Jimmy’s advice. Oh sure, you can make a killing hoodwinking the public like he suggests, but there’s a catch… they’d have to leave the safety of their homebound isolation and venture out to a restaurant, and who the hell is dumb enough to do that right about now?

Only an idiot, Daryl. That’s who. Jimmy Buffett? Really… REALLY? C’mon man.

So here we are. We don’t know Warren Buffett’s investment strategy because Daryl Wilkie fucked up his first and only big assignment. 

Now we’re left printing this shit. Great job, Daryl.

Here’s what we can tell you, though. If the rest of the world is as dumb as Daryl, you can forget the hopefulness of hand sanitizer and face masks and move straight to the resignation of body bags and tombstones. 

Put your money on the stupidity of the masses. That’s always a safe bet, and we’re certain it’s also one on which Jimmy and Warren Buffett would both agree.

Bio: Chuck writes stuff on platforms for people with dubious credentials. Visit https://www.whatthechuuuck.com/ for more of his nonsense and one thing that makes a lot of sense: his children’s picture book about a little girl striving to overcome developmental delays, Will Little Roo Ever…?. Follow him on Twitter @WhatTheChuuuck.