I have attempted to infiltrate beer selfie Instagram.
Yes, there is an entire community of folks whose social media revolves around posting pictures of themselves with craft beer bottles and cans.
The most popular posts are attractive women in bathing suits who incidentally also seem to be near a beer (this is the Gram™ after all). There are men too. They generally fall into two categories: Very handsome, male-model-types and the goofy “I’m just messing around, but also plz like my photos” guy.
Via extensive research, I learned that I am not attractive and therefore I must be one of those ironic dudes. So I popped off my shirt and posed and drank and posted (ironically, of course).
After a few weeks of rigorous investigation, I came to the following conclusion:
It’s hard work being an ironic thirst trap.
So I hung up my beerkini and tendered my resignation letter. I shall continue onwards in search of my true people.
But #beerbabes I salute you.

Scott Greenberg releases music under the name Scott Making Cents, sells jokes for cash, and can make a pretty OK quesadilla.