Pandemic Opens Array of Nifty New Jobs

The covid era has opened up unforeseen job opportunities for the recently laid off. Here are a few.
Data Curve Flattener (Step II) Worried government agencies, including White House, will be hiring recent art school standouts with no moral backbone to draw fictitious line graphs ignoring respected health agency’s disappointing real data. Aim is to pitch bogus pandemic curve flattening.
Contactless Trapeze Aerialist. Major national travelling circus is hoping to find the right college gymnastic grad to fly through the air at its shows. Must be able to negotiate high wire acts and do aerial flips, all without touching contaminated trapeze bars or engaging in flesh-to-flesh contact with fellow trapeezers. Must wear hazmat suit under tiny shorts. Strong bone structure required.
Social Bubble Engineer (New position). Looking for out-of-work college grad with a major in recreational studies. This person will assist timid Covid hermits in a search for interesting friends so they can expand their circle of acquaintances to the social bubble max of 12 persons. Working knowledge of hookup and dating websites such as Tinder is required.
Space Force Cadet. Join U.S. government’s newest out-of-this-world enterprise. Spend three years defying gravity in Joint Base Fort Armstrong on the International Space Station. Learn useful satellite demolition techniques. Get in on launch pad for first one-way trip to Mars,
Transit Clown. (2 positions). Happy-go-lucky theater college grad with drama background to be part of bankrupt transit agency’s drive to lure back riders. Job requires applicant to travel on overcrowded public transit vehicles and uplift the spirits by breakdancing and playing kazoos, all while wearing array of smiley masks with hazmat gear. Need to have a thick skin when confronting sullen commuters who believe that annoying transit clown should shove the happy kazoo somewhere. Criminal justice minor a benefit.
Reopening Booster. Some experience selling used cars or condo time-shares preferred. Employee will cold call and then entice fearful shut-ins to venture out of their apartments to shop in narrow aisles of stuffy, covid-aerosol-laden, neighborhood stores. Should also be adept in explaining “you’ll get it sometime so why delay” or “somebody has to give it up for the economy” political stance.
Bogus Sports Fan. National major sports teams seeking crowds of antibody-laden covid-recoverees to populate stadiums for sports games and events. Must be conversant with beer-drinking, yelling obscenities, and following Jumbotron instuctions on when to cheer or make derisive noises to rattle opposing players. Good seats available.
Zoom Ranger. National firm seeking affable college grad with social work/audio arts degree to service a residential route of frightened seniors, confused work-from-homers, desperate musicians, burned-out parents, and ungrateful middle school kids who need help with gallery-formatted Zoom shows. Understanding of bad silhouette lighting, ear-splitting audio feedback, and annoying reverb helpful. Need lots of patience.

John Hewitt’s storytelling festered after a Los Angeles upbringing and a journalism career downbringing. He writes manic humor novels and breathlessly awaits his ascension to the New York Times bestseller list.

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