Advice from the Old Broad #2: How Cigarettes Can Make You Smokin’ Hot

Hello again, young’uns. Time for another life lesson from the old broad. Today, we’re gonna talk about smoking. Now, I’m sure y’all have heard that smoking can be bad for your health, bad for the environment, and just a nasty little habit. But did you know that those cigarettes can make y’all smoking hot? Let me tell ya a little story.

I grew up in the 80s. We were cool, man. Muscle cars, heavy metal music, and enough Aqua Net to keep the mosquito population at a minimum. And we were all smokers. Well, anyway all the cool kids were. The right brand of cigarettes was as important as knowing which earrings to wear with which belt.

One night, my best friend and I were getting ready for a night on the town. We’d gotten all dolled-up in our best denim jackets and most bitchin’ boots. I was in the bathroom putting on my make-up and getting my hair as feathered and full as I could. The haze of hairspray in the room was thick and sticky…thicky. Possibly toxic.

My friend was hanging out in the bedroom, changing her shirt for the 5th or 6th time, when the phone rang. Now mind you, this was long before cell phones. This was still in the days of corded phones that plugged into the wall. So when my friend yelled out that it was for me, I had to leave my hazy hovel.

It was one of the guys we were planning on meeting later that night. I had to play it up cool, because…you know…I was. As we chatted, I grabbed a cigarette and lighter. Needing both of my hands to light it, I held the receiver between my head and shoulder. I put the cigarette in my mouth, sparked the lighter, and…WHOOOOOOSH!!!! The side of my head went up like a Halloween bonfire.

I went into full-blown panic mode and did what any moderately-educated human would do. I tried to put the fire out. And what’s the first thing I grab? Well, the phone receiver no longer resting on my shoulder. Yes, boys and girls, I beat myself in the head with a telephone.

The poor guy on the other end of that phone only heard, “AAAAAAAAAA”, thump-thump-thump. “AAAAAAAAAAA”, thump-thump-thump. My friend is standing across from me, laughing so hard that she can’t do anything to help. I went from being cool to smoking, fricking hot.

Fortunately, there was no real damage. I managed to put the fire out once the top layer of hairspray had flamed out. I was a little dizzy from the beating I had just given myself but recovered quickly. The worst part was the odd odor that seemed to hang in the air.

Yes, my friends, it’s true. If you’re trying to be cool and you wear enough hairspray, cigarettes can make you smoking hot, too.

But what do I know? I’m just an old broad.

Christine Graves has been writing online for more than 20 years. She’s been published in several genres, both fiction and non-fiction. She’s a wife, mother, and grandmother. She’s also an avid history fanatic and enjoys riding her 1835cc Roadhawk Trike. Check out her blog at: Follow her on Twitter: @sapheyerblu

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