Advice from the Old Broad: Party while you Can

Hi kids, allow me to introduce myself. I’m the old broad and I’m gonna give y’all some advice. No, I’m not some high-faluting head doctor that’s gonna help you find inner peace. I’m gonna tell y’all what’s gonna happen as y’all get older. Some of it’s gonna freak you out, some of it’s going to make you cringe, but some of it’ll give y’all hope.

First of all, getting older sucks. One day you’re the life of the party and the next it takes 3 days to recover from the party. No, really. The last time I got all jacked up, it took me 3 days to fully regain any form of humanity. I spent the whole next day recycling everything I’d ingested…MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

Now, here’s the kicker (and ladies, this one’s mostly for you). There comes a time in your life when you no longer possess the ability to control your bladder. A good sneeze or deep cough can cause you to dribble in your silky shorts. It’s not a pretty sight. Now imagine you’re praying to the porcelain god, muscles contracting you didn’t even know you had, pushing down on your now-defunct bladder. Oh yeah, we’re having some fun now.

Day 2 was slightly better. Though I no longer had anything in me to spew, each and every smell in my house was intensified by a thousand. I could smell the color green. And gravity? Yeah, we weren’t on good terms. My legs had gained like a million pounds and my brain was floating off by itself. I tried to get out of bed only to find out that I had no control over my body.

Here’s another great thing about getting old. Enjoy those strong legs while y’all can. There will come a time when you jump out of bed only to find out your knees no longer bend. Your brain says, “Nothing can stop me today”, while your knees say, “I need to kiss the floor good morning”.

By the third day, I was able to get up, move around, form words. It was then that I knew that I couldn’t do that anymore. This old broad just ain’t got it in her anymore.

So here’s my advice to all of you still young enough to party all night, yet still able to get up and go to work the next day. Enjoy your time, but pace yourself. Don’t be afraid to be the person who remembers all the stupid stuff from the night before. You’ll have much better stories to tell down the road.

Remember, my lovelies, nothing lasts forever so make as many memories as you can. There may come a day when you’ll need those memories as a means to pass on a lesson to the next generation.

But what do I know? I’m just an old broad.


Christine Graves has been writing online for more than 20 years. She’s been published in several genres, both fiction and non-fiction. She’s a wife, mother, and grandmother. She’s also an avid history fanatic and enjoys riding her 1835cc Roadhawk Trike. 

Follow her on Twitter: @sapheyerblu

Categories: Essay

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *