Celebrity Shoplifters: Madonna

Aging pop sensation and late 70s razor denier Madonna was detained yesterday in Norwalk, Connecticut under suspicion of shoplifting a bag of vegan Kaballah caramel corn from Kerr Nell, an upscale popping corn boutique nestled in Guccione Shores Plaza.

Flanked by five attorneys, a manicurist, and an opthalmologist, with her mauve Algerian ferret, apparently named ‘Nicholas Cage’ on an emerald studded leash, Madonna denied stealing the confection.

“I was exerting my passion as a pre-influencer influencer to boost the profile of the merchant and was doing my due diligence in sampling a product before I share it with my fifteen million Instagram followers, at least twenty-four of whom don’t have dental work that precludes them from consuming caramel corn” she claimed, in a British accent she trash picked from Gwyneth Paltrow after the Shakespeare in Love wrap party.

Kerr Nell owner Argyle Sauchs disputes Madonna’s version of events, saying that the boutique was in the middle of an invite-only tasting party of its new line of amyl nitrate drizzled vodka corn when the Desperately Seeking Susan Star scaled the courtyard wall with her entourage, knocked over a table laden with Post Malone Signature Goldschlager infused Cracker Jacks and began indiscriminately gorging on bags of caramel corn reserved for the media covering the event.

“I really didn’t know who she was” says Ms. Sauchs, “but I tried to be polite because I thought she might be Miley Cyrus’s grandmother. I could have overlooked the transgression if it had been the Cyrus matriarch, but this Madonna person was incredibly rude, and frankly, I haven’t listened to any of her songs since the DJ played Girls Just Wanna Have Fun at my mom’s wedding.”

The Fairfield County Sheriff’s department released the multiplatinum singer on her own recognizance, but sternly reminded her she would have to speak American English during her arraignment.

Jimmy Doom’s mom won him at a church carnival and never threw a dart at a balloon again. Jimmy has written for Orbit Magazine, The Detroit Metro Times, pays for cat litter and Mallo Cups with his very own blog at Substack, Jimmy Doom’s Roulette Weal , is the official spokesbunny of Altes Beer and has gotten his ass beat or OD’d in over 40 films and music videos.

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