Stuck at home with their children too long, adulterers are angry. They want a decision regarding when school will resume this autumn. Furious, they frequently chastise politicians, school trustees, and even Margaret, who’s running for PTA president again.
One woman shouted, “This affair has gone on too long!” Presumably she wasn’t taking about her own, which stalled months ago when Susie started home schooling.
Sexual psychologist Al Lay explained. “Having to stay home with the kids, cheaters will be full of pent-up energy these days. Masturbation relief is only temporary. These people truly need to get fucked. Denied access to their clandestine lovers, individuals are facing tough choices, like having to have sex with their spouse, or—worse yet—having to come to grips with their marriage problems; admit their own deficiencies that led to the marriage problems. Unlike Viagra, that can be a hard pill to swallow.”
One man agreed to comment on a promise of anonymity (but just so you know, Karen, he drives a blue 2016 Porsche Boxster and lives in Dover Heights).
“Of course, I’m worried about my kids’ health. And they won’t be happy when I’m grumpy all the time—happiness is key to well-being. And my spouse is the same. I’ve never seen her so frustrated. She used to go out four nights a week and was—no exaggeration—probably the happiest woman on earth, even though she’d often, somehow, misplace her panties or earrings and have to buy more. This situation can’t continue. We can’t afford to hire a babysitter—I’ve got car payments. They need to commit to reopening schools, so honest, hard-working people can return to normal life.”
Al Lay continued his analysis. “We’re seeing increased alcohol consumption with many couples. If enjoyed in moderation, a tasty amber craft beer, smoky whiskey, or rich red wine and a rom-com on your favourite streaming channel can really help set the mood if you have to have sex with your spouse. I caution, though, don’t have too much, as that can cause performance problems. But with a bit of booze and the lights off, hell yeah, at least you can imagine you’re out with your lover. A little fantasy helps.”
Despite savvy advice from experts like Al, the situation has worsened, but there may be new hope. Desperately needing action, parents are forming new Kids-Deserve-to-be-Schooled-at-School organizations across the country that meet weekly. They typically hold the meetings on Tuesday nights 7:00–8:00 PM, although the spouses at home are told the meetings go until 11:00. Usually the number of participants divides evenly by two, except in the odd case of ménage à trois’s. They do not hold these new meetings via Zoom; the members comment, “It’s different without the human touch.”
Kevin Gooden recently escaped through an unlocked window at The 9-5 Workers Asylum, and is speeding along in a ’65 Mustang convertible driven by his creative writing muse. A return visitor, he enjoys both the laughs and the beer. Follow him on Twitter @KevinGooden and visit their website: http://www.KevinGooden.com
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