God, shit, it’s like maybe 1995 and I’m in The City (Fuckin’ Chicago!) with my boy Kapelski and his folks and we’re downtown after going to The Shedd or something and we’re driving by this hotel and I see the dude from Speed and I roll down the window and I like just scream, “Hey! Keanu!” and he turns around and like waves. Anyway, that’s the only celebrity I’ve ever seen in real life, true fuckin’ story. Let’s Go Cubbies!

Scott Mitchel May is a writer living in rural Wisconsin with his wife and son. Follow Scott @smitchelmay on Twitter.