“Oh I can’t. I’m pregnant,” she said rubbing her saggy belly.
“Gran, don’t be daft. You’re 85 years old. So you can have a wee glass of sherry on your birthday,” Jamie said, tilting the bottle.
She took out her top teeth and dipped them into the icing on the birthday cake and sooked them back into her mouth.
“Oh but I am, son. I can feel it cooking inside me.”
To everyone’s surprise but hers, five months later, Granny Lavery was wheeled out of the old folk’s home to the midwife to give birth.
Jamie waited at the hospital canteen with his head sunk into his hands. How the fuck was that possible?
“I hope it’s a boy. I’ve always wanted a wee brother,” his dad breathed into his ear.
Two hours later, Granny Lavery gave birth to a beautiful 14-year-old tumour. And she loved it with all her heart and died the very next morning brimming with pride.
The tumour, called Miracle Gerry, moved into Jamie’s room and was given the top bunk bed. To be honest, he was a decent enough guy. He wasn’t as messy as you would think and didn’t make much noise.
Miracle Gerry was soon sent to high school and he excelled in all subjects. Loved counting and those big difficult sums. What a smart lad he was. Sadly, he was bullied – all the kinds of bullying you could imagine a tumour-boy would get at a school in the east end Glasgow is what he got.
But with some encouragement from Jamie, he plucked up the courage to fight back! Miracle Gerry wasn’t going to get pushed around just cos he was different. No sir.
He squared up to the bullies, full of confidence, ready to punch fuck out of all of them even though he didn’t have arms… and was burst open with one jab from a pencil. Warm puss went flying everywhere, covering the bullies. They sure learned their lesson and never ever bullied again. Jamie went to congratulate him on his victory, but nothing was left of Miracle Gerry but an empty sack of skin.
Jamie buried what was left of his favourite uncle next to his gran. Just what she would have wanted.
John Gerard Fagan is a writer from Scotland who lived in Japan for the past decade. He writes in both English and Scots. Twitter: @JohnGerardFagan