o potent as to feel palpable.
c. Both.
2. Butt burp
a. The glug sound a wine bottle makes when poured too quickly.
b. A generic term for flatulence used mostly by children and members of Sigma Chi.
c. Both.
3. Bung hole
a. A hole in a barrel where wine is pumped out.
b. A hole in a butt where farts are pumped out.
c. Both.
4. Mouthfeel
a. The various sensations a wine creates in your mouth.
b. When a fart is so full-bodied you can taste it.
c. Both.
5. Head Snapper
a. A wine that smells so bad your head snaps back.
b. A fart that smells so bad your head snaps back.
c. Both.
6. Ah-So
a. A pronged device used to remove old corks.
b. A sphincter used to release gas.
c. Both.
7. Silky
a. A wine that slips through your mouth like silk.
b. A fart that slips through your undies like silk.
c. Both.
8. Orange banana
a. The citrus nose of wines, mostly new world.
b. Farting on a flame and causing a small burst.
c. Both.
9. Bullet
a. Word used by sommeliers when a wine hits only one note.
b. A sharp fart that sounds like it was fired from a pistol..
c. Both.
10. Quaffable
a. A way to describe wines you drink effortlessly.
b. A way to describe heady farts occurring in confined spaces..
c. Both.
11. Crush
a. The season of picking and juicing grapes.
b. The method of clenching the buttocks to contain a rogue fart.
c. Both.
12. Tail scutter
a. Wine with a big, abrupt finish best drank by itself.
b. An old Irish term for fart.
c. Both.
13. Funky
a. A wine that smells like a barnyard.
b. A rancid fart that couldn’t possibly be from a human.
c. Both.
14. Fly catcher
a. The last filter as the wine goes into the bottling line.
b. The fart of death.
c. Both.
15. Floating the juice
a. Separating pulp from grape juice while transferring and injecting nitrogen.
b. A fart that feels a little damp.
c. Both.
16. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
a. A sweet, almost pancake-tasting wine that pairs excellently with fruit.
b. A fart that wakes you up in the morning.
c. Both.
17. Mousiness
a. When a wine tastes like popcorn or a mouse cage.
b. When a fart seems shy and cute.
c. Both.
18. Oak Monster
a. A wine that is far too oaky.
b. A fart that growls menacingly and smells like a forest creature.
c. Both.
19. The tester
a. A mild palate-cleansing white wine to swirl in the mouth before a tasting.
b. A low-key fart done in public to see if you can get away with it.
c. Both.
20. Cheeser
a. A piquant wine good for cheese pairings.
b. High-pitched squealing flatulence.
c. Both.
21. Clingers
a. Tendrils on a grape cane.
b. Farts that follow you into another room.
c. Both.
22. Fruit Bomb
a. A wine that is very fruit forward on the nose and palate.
b. A fart that blooms large with a hint of banana..
c. Both.
23. Infanticide
a. Drinking a wine when it is too young.
b. Unleashing a fart in a car full of children.
c. Both.
ANSWERS1. B2. B3. C4. A5. C6. A7. A8. B9. B10. A11. A12. B13. C14. A15. A16. B17. A18. A19. B20. B21. C22. A23. A
19+ correct answers: Congratulations! You can distinguish the bouquet of a bubbly wine from a whiney tuchus. Go forth proudly, you sommelier of grape and wind!
14–18: Victory was so close you could almost smell it. While perhaps slightly confused whether it’s a bottle or a booty that needs corking, you can navigate the tasting menu at TGI Fridays with ease.
9–13: What kind of fruit forward with soft notes of stupidity quiz is this? Don’t they realize your refined palate is meant for better things? Relax, spend some time alone with your wine and your farts and try again next year.
<9: You giggle when someone says ‘let it breathe’ and you slapped the sommelier when he mentioned ‘cat’s pee’ while describing a Sauvignon Blanc. The good news is there’s a fine selection of boxed rosé wines you can pair with nachos and bacon. The dolce vita is yours!
Brian writes like he drinks, recklessly in varying degrees of undress, and usually only if someone else is paying. @brianabbey