Yes. We Sold Your High School

Dear Students,

Welcome back. Now that you are on campus, we can tell you the rumors are true.

After 100 years, the name of Old Plantation High is no more.

You know the school board just now found out the word “plantation” might just possibly be a little bit related to slavery. (Honest, we didn’t know).

Also, we were looking at a huge budget shortfall. After talking it over, the board agreed to solve both problems by selling the naming rights for the school.

There were a lot of bids. The local Buick dealer, Mandrake’s bowling alley, and The Dirty Rooster Body Shop all said they’d spend a few thousand. But then, out of the blue, Foster’s Feedlot overbid everyone by a quarter million.

That’s why today we are welcoming you back online to the newly named Feedlot High. This year’s seniors will be the first graduates to proudly say “The class of Feedlot 2021.”
But the board didn’t stop there. The old nickname, the Mighty Pickers just didn’t fit.

(Once again, honest, it didn’t occur to us this plantation used slaves). So the school board met and accepted the bid of the Summer County Recycling Company. Your valiant athletes will now be called—the Composters.

Nifty, huh. You can hear the roar of the crowd. Go Feedlot. Yay, Composters.
We didn’t stop there. We sold the school color choice to Heston’s Java Stop. Our new school hues will be Latte brown and Mocha tan.

The new revenue was piling up. We picked up enough to hire a second Auto Shop teacher. But we needed to reach for the stars and bring in a new JV football coach, so the board sold the senior class. That’s right. Just call it an internship. Every senior will be required to work 10 hours a week at the Flystop Screen Door plant out on Pole Road. For this, each student will get three units of credit and the advance answers to the nationwide AP history exams.

So, now it’s time to buckle down in those online classes. Our first big football game is this Friday night. This year it will be against 1327 High, which you might remember last year was Andrew Jackson Prep. Unfortunately, it will be played on Zoom because 27 players tested positive.

Welcome back and here’s to a great year.

John Hewitt suffered through a Los Angeles upbringing and a journalism career downbringing. He writes manic humor novels and breathlessly awaits his ascension to the New York Times bestseller list. His latest book was Freezer Burn.

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