A DOG’s Take On CATS


I’m Eclipse, a BoxAdor, a mere pup of 8 years.  In my time in the doggo world, I’ve encountered many things, but the only thing I don’t understand is cats.  I like cats, I have cat friends, I’m not saying cats are bad.  I just don’t get them.  My hooman mom helped me compile a list of cat things that defy explanation.  Mom helped me type this, otherwise, it would’ve been in Wingding font, something only dogs can read.

Kung Fu.  How do cats appear so cute and furry, but have mad skills, skills like a Kung Fu master?  Are you born with the ability to roundhouse kick anything into your litterbox?  Why must you turn into a fighting furball when I approach you?  I want to be your friend.

Litter Box.  Your sanctuary, your potty.  How do you potty in a box full of grey, dusty, dirt?  I get into trouble when I eat your delicious kitty nuggets, while you sneer at me.  I’m trained to go outside rain or shine to do my poops and tinkles, it’s humiliating.  I’m jealous, shamed by the world as I go outside and show my doggo booty.

World Domination.  I see blueprints for a hostile takeover of the world in your little cat towers.  You don’t hide them very well, almost like you don’t care.  You want the world to burn, don’t you?  Your evil paws are hard at work, drawing, and writing out the end of the planet.  Hooman’s don’t know what the plans are, to them it’s shredded toilet paper, but ALL doggos can see the truth.  You need better ink.

Cat Towers.  I see you in your perfect tower.  Acting like royalty, as if you run the world.  Perfect points of view to Kung Fu your next victim.  Your ears flat, your eyes burning, soul black as my fur.  Why can’t dogs have towers?  We’re perfect for alerting our hoomans to the dangers of mail carriers.  I want a tower!

Defying Grabbity.  Is everything the subject of your paws?  Why do you knock anything within your reach to the floor?  I’m minding my own business, taking a nap, thud!  You’ve swatted at the breakable bunny, sending it hundreds of miles to the floor.  Who gets blamed?  Kids or the dog, that’s who!  Oh, look, a fork. Tap, tap, tap, SWAT!  The fork falls on my doggo booty.

Purring.  What’s this sound you make?  My friend Smoky vibrates like a diesel engine when we meet up.  He’s purring so loud and vibrating that he can hardly walk a straight line.  I’m suspecting catnip’s involved.  Is the purring an act?  An act of deception?  Smoky is always purring, but he doesn’t seem deceptive.  Or is he?  OMB, I’m paranoid now.  (OMB is an acronym for Oh MY Bark).


I’m Shannon, nice to meet ya’ll!  I’m currently writing for MooInfamous, stories of Eclipse’s life, some real some fake.  Our writing is located at https://medium.com/@MooInfamous, all approval from MooInfamous herself.

Twitter things:

@MooInfamous and @WordChaotic

Categories: Fiction

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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