You think coronavirus is hard for people right now, try being a cardboard cutout. Here I was, minding my own business, hanging out inside of Amazon delivery trucks and getting tossed like I’m Jazzy Jeff in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air onto your doorstep and next thing you know, I’m at a fucking San Diego Padres game! I didn’t want to go to a baseball game to fill in some empty seats for TV optics and listen to fake crowd noise for 3 hours, but here I am sitting in some front row seat a season ticket holder has. Now, I’m trapped in an empty baseball stadium with cardboard cutouts I’ve never seen before, watching the most boring sport and I can’t leave. 

Listen, I like sports as much as the next cardboard cutout but you guys couldn’t put us at a more entertaining sport? Why aren’t we at the NBA Bubble? I always wanted to go to Disney World to work as one of those “you must be 48 inches to ride Space Mountain.” Now that’s a dream job, but now I’m somewhere in Colorado watching some guys barely hit the ball. Baseball games last four hours too, which I find so odd. It’s so long that you guys have to sing a song in the 7th inning and literally stretch. No wonder you 3D people get super drunk at these games, how else are you going to sit there for hours? 

It’s not like me as a cardboard cutout is adding anything to your viewing experience as a fan. There’s no Kiss Cam where I’m tongue wrestling the cute cardboard cut out 4 seats away. Like a lot of you, I’d rather be watching baseball how it was meant to be – on a 40-inch flat screen. Even I have a mancave to watch my sports. It’s got everything I need – beers, boxes, and the delivery boys from Amazon after a long shift of dropping boxes at the wrong house. I would love to be watching on my flat-screen, munching on packing peanuts, and popping my bubble wrap to the swimsuit Packaging World issue. I just want life to go back to normal for me, but I’m stuck watching baseball in person because none of y’all will wear a mask! The catcher wears a mask and you don’t see him complaining in a Wal-Mart. 

I have to admit, I don’t love all the sitting we’re doing here. By my nature, I’m a stander, and all my current gigs have had “standing” in the job description. And as a close relative of Flat Stanley, we were meant to be adventurous, and we were meant to pose for photos, not live video. Posing in front of a Claire’s in the mall as a famous celebrity where tweens take their picture with me. Modeling as the main character in Shark Tale (2004) at the only standing Blockbuster in the U.S, now available on VHS. Standing at fall festivals, allowing them to literally cut my face off so white people can stick their heads through and get a fun photo-op. It’s called dedication to the job, and I’m just not getting that type of satisfaction sitting my flat ass down on a seat where no one can at least pretend to interact with me. 

Also, I hate the kind of cardboard cutouts that come to baseball games. You know the type. The loudmouth who drenches its front with too many beers by the second inning and is yelling obscenities at the ref. Like, c’mon, man, there are cardboard cutouts honoring dead children here, okay? And then there’s the season ticket holders who were purchased and printed out specifically for this game. These cutout newbies have no idea what a life of cardboard is like yet…just wait until some sneaky teen draws a Sharpie mustache on you and you have absolutely no range of motion to stop them. And the cardboard cutouts of actual MLB players sitting in the row over from me? Am I supposed to feel starstruck? I feel nothing.

Let’s take a look at the score now. Oh, 0-0, exciting! Six more innings to go. Since you’re sacrificing me and my happiness just so you can watch America’s Favorite Sport which isn’t even safe enough to be happening in the first place, at least provide me with a few free hot dogs. Jesus, and while you’re at it, someone just come break me down and put me out of my misery.

Daniel Stillman & Emily Kapp are Chicago-based comedy writers. Their work has appeared in The Onion, McSweeney’s, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady and more. You can read more of Daniel’s work here and Emily’s work here. Follow Daniel on Twitter @stillmania and Emily @emilykapp_.