PRESIDENT TO DECLARE ANTIPASTA AS TERRORIST GROUP


LOS ANGELES – The President tweeted Sunday that the U.S. will designate “Antipa” as a “terrorist organization.”

The tweet comes after days of protests in response to the vandalizing of Olive Garden restaurants throughout the Midwest.  Tens of thousands marched peacefully, but many demonstrations sank into chaos as night fell: cars were torched and GNC stores were looted. 

The President has alleged that the violence was “being led by Antipa and other radical groups.” Antipa, short for anti-pasta, is an umbrella term for militant keto diet adherents, non-celiac gluten-free diet boosters, and a confused group of appetizer enthusiasts.

The Attorney General has seemed to echo the President’s assertion, saying the violent incidents were driven by groups using “Antipa-like tactics.” He pointed to examples such as Detroit area BBQ food trucks being overwhelmed by large groups who eat all the meat, leaving only the waffle fries behind. He also pointed to the example in Chicago where vandals smashed windows of Italian restaurants with heads of cauliflower, abducted the frozen breadsticks, and threw them into bonfires. The breadsticks suffered severe burns.  In Columbus, OH, a busload of alleged Antipa members were caught by police with bats, hatchets, and the Yelp app open on their phones.  They had just left a restaurant, eating their entire supply of appetizers, leaving only entrees, daily specials, and desserts for the rest of the law-abiding patrons.   The AG vowed that federal prosecutors across the country would use federal riots statutes to charge protesters who cross state lines to participate in violent rioting.

Others have seen evidence of additional food extremist groups. P.J. Tabby, a fellow at George Washington University’s Program on Extremism, has been monitoring chatter about the protests among food extremists on social media platforms. She has access to hundreds of private Facebook groups for followers of the loosely organized “Guy Fieri” movement, which uses “Flavortown” as a code word for a second civil war.

She also has been poring over images from the weekend protests and spotted some “Fieri Bois” in the crowds, carrying vials of donkey sauce and wearing tactical gear.

“I don’t think that they want to hurt these protests. They want to co-opt them in order to start their war. They see themselves as being on the side of protesters and that the protesters themselves are useful in causing anarchy,” Tabby said.

More food-based fringe groups are on the rise and threatening to divide society, Tabby warns.  The Segregationists, a group of grown men who haven’t gotten over their childhood aversion to vegetables, have threatened to protest restaurants who let green beans and broccoli touch their cheeseburgers.  Also, a dangerous group who call themselves Proud Karens has sprung up across social media, promising to protect the supply of pumpkin spice.

“The radicalization of American diets has fragmented this country,” Tabby warns. “I recommend stockpiling canned foods in case of escalated civil unrest.”

The President also appeared to tweet personal challenges at the protestors, potentially suggesting a Coney Island-style hot dog eating competition. “They don’t want to do it though because they know I’ll win. YOU’VE GOT TO EAT THE BUNS!!!! Everyone knows how much I love buns! They’re my favorite part.”


Patrick Daly is a writer. He can be followed on Twitter @ODalyMyDaly. He is tired of the song Riptide. He’s not arguing that it’s a good song or a bad song. He just needs a break from it.  Patrick lives in Columbus, OH.

Categories: Funny News

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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