By order of me, the President of the United States, you are hereby summoned to appear for consideration for United States Supreme Court Justice. Believe me, failure to obey this summons will be punishable by ‘covfefe.’ Use a Sharpie to fill out this response form, by the way, okay? Right?

HUGELY IMPORTANT!

Sign, date and disinfect form with bleach or just very tremendous, very powerful light. Insert form, along with any ideas for my big, beautiful, border wall funding, managing the China virus or hiding income tax returns in the envelope provided, and return at least 5 days prior to your summons date.

TREMENDOUS JUSTICE RESPONSE FORM

o       Fill in this circle if you voted for lowlife “Crooked Hillary”

o       Fill in this circle if you are a member of the terrible, so unfair “Fake Media”

GREAT, GREAT JUSTICE INFORMATION

Please complete the following, goodly:

Name: ______________________

Your Actual or Desired Brilliant Trump Nickname (In all fairness, if you do not have one, one will be assigned to you! Examples: “Sleepy Joe,” “Shifty Schiff”.):___________

Are you a citizen of the very beautiful, very fabulous United States? Yes____  No____

Are you a citizen of Russia where, I must tell you, Putin has great confidence in my intelligence? Yes____  No____

Are you a resident of a successful, good, great red state? Yes____  No____

Do you understand the truth as well as Rudy Giuliani? Yes____  No____

Are you right-handed? Yes____ No____

If you answered ‘no’ to any of these questions, you are weak and ineligible to serve as a United States Supreme Court Justice. LOSER!

Big-League Occupation (Check one):

o       Blue Collar or Coal Worker (American loves its blue collar and big, beautiful coal workers!)

o       Goya or My Pillow CEO (Great guys, tremendous guys!)

o       Old, Southern white male (People I’m doing very well with, I must tell you!)

o       Miss U.S.A., Miss Universe or Miss Teen U.S.A. (include swimsuit photo)

Very, Very Powerful Languages Spoken (Circle all that apply): English__  Russian__  Slovenian__  Chechen__ Ukrainian__  N. Korean__ Dothraki__ Klingon__

Years in U.S. Legally:__________  Years in U.S. Illegally:__________

TREMENDOUSLY NOT QUALIFIED TO SERVE

Many people are saying that I am not qualified to serve as a powerful, very powerful United States Supreme Court Justice for President Trump because (check all that apply):

o       My name is Anthony, Adam, Chuck, Nancy, James, Jim, Michael, John or Mary

o       I am a resident of a ‘shit-hole’ country

o       I am a resident of a ‘deep state’

o       I am a pussy

o       I have a pussy

o       I have written a tell-all book

o       I can spell ‘collusion’

o       I am a ‘rapist, drug dealer or bad hombre’

o       I have been convicted of a felony/malfeasance because I didn’t use ‘alternative facts’

o       I am not a ‘stable genius’ (SAD!)

To be perfectly honest, I don’t have a clue and would make a complete and total, not good Supreme Court Justice because:

1.      I have a physical or mental disability or impairment (Weak!)

o       There is blood coming out of my eyes and blood coming out of my whatever

o       I am bleeding badly from a facelift

o       I have been ‘schlonged’

o       I can’t remember ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV’

2.      Jury service will cause me an extreme financial hardship (Incompetent!)

o       Yuuuugggeee!

o       Bigly!

o       I will have to show my income tax returns

3.      I have a verifiable, non-professional obligation to provide care for another which we will have to hide from the American people:

o       Ex-wives

o       Ex-porn stars

o       A son named Eric or Don

o       Roger Stone

4.      Recent Service

o       I served or will be serving soon on a witch hunt investigative team

o       I am a Russian probe

o       I paid a porn star $130K as a favor to a friend

o       Quid pro quo

BELIEVE ME, IMPORTANT INFORMATION:

•       Be prepared to step in as White House press secretary or a federal judge, by the way

•       Sean Hannity and One America News broadcast 24/7 on Supreme Court in-house TV

•       Bring change for vending machines; Hydroxychloroquine available

•       McDonald’s opening soon in Supreme Court lobby, that I can tell you!

•       Dress for ‘Success’ which, I can tell you, is the name of my Trump cologne! For more information, visit www.ivankatrumpclothes.com

WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR SERVICE! CONFIRMATION KEGGER AT JUSTICE KAVANAUGH’S!

Nancy Franklin has been published in The Daily Drunk, Points in Case and the Los Angeles Times. She writes about life’s absurdities wherever and whenever she finds them. She also enjoys flaming shots of tequila, sometimes even when writing. Follow her on twitter, @mirthquakes_.