As the judge of your red-state Halloween costume contest, I’m pleased to announce the winners of our “super spreader event”. Competition was stiff this year, what with the “pandemic”. That liberal hoax is why we were forced to put special rules in place about masks and social distancing. We did it to make them happy, even when masks keep the germs in and decrease our oxygen supply. Now no one can say that red-states don’t run a fair competition!
There were a lot of Darth Vaders and Storm Troopers tonight. Good thinking with the masks. If only these real heroes were here now, they could save the day from this virus rhetoric. You’ll all get participation trophies.
I want to acknowledge a few clever costumes which, unfortunately, were disqualified:
Chainsaw massacre killer crossed with Jason from Friday the 13th was a great idea. You had the hockey “mask” and you used the chainsaw to make the point about their six feet rule—but I think unfortunately you’re disqualified from winning on account of Bob’s finger.
Mark, loved the Phantom of the Opera idea. And you have an impressive baritone voice. Imagine how scared all the liberals would have been of you singing and the “COVID” being expelled from your lungs. But regrettably the Phantom mask covered the wrong part of your face. Disqualified.
Casper the friendly ghost was a great idea, whoever you are. But I’m used to seeing the pointy bit at the top. Turning it sideways meant the eye holes were in the wrong place for you to see—so unfortunately, you came within six feet of me. Automatically disqualified.
Magritte’s apple man. Who are the liberals to say that an apple in front of your face is not a mask? Oh wait, you were just bobbing for apples? Nevermind.
And now some special awards:
The Mr. Congeniality Award goes to: Bob the Pirate. He pointed out how ridiculous those liberals are by covering both eyes with eye-patches since that makes this “COVID” pass through less easily. And the third eye patch over his mouth as a mask. We’re hoping that he makes it to the hospital in time for his finger to get sewed back on.
The Best Dancer Award goes to: Who is that in there dressed up like a big blue corner mailbox? Enjoyed watching you trying to do the Monster Mash in that box! Hope that no one tried to mail their ballot in your costume? Or on second thought, let those fools drop in their ballots!
And now the top 3:
Number 3. Melaniee! Princess Leia was a brilliant choice. I know you’ve won first place the last six years and you were counting on it this year too. But the other years, you wore the hot girl bikini slave in chains costume. What’s that? Yes, the Princess Leia wearing the bounty hunter disguise before Jabba and his minions figured out she was a hot girl and put her in the bikini was a very clever idea. And you did technically have a mask on like the new rules require. But maybe you could’ve worn both the disguise and the bikini? Now that would’ve won first prize. This is the first year that there’s something for me to stick your ribbon onto!
Number 2. Mike. Or should I say ‘Dr. Fow-chee’? Very clever dressing up like one of the leaders of this hoax—the doctors. Brilliant way to meet this year’s mask requirement—and to remind us why they did this in the first place—those damn doctors got tired of being the only ones to wear these damn masks. But so far this cure is “worse than the problem itself.” Sorry you got hurt so badly in the annual knife throwing competition.
And the winning costume is: Tommy, dressed up like “COVID” itself. You know it, you love it, the big white ball with the weird red flowers sticking out of it. You’ve got it folks—the best and the scariest costume is dressing up like the imaginary poltergeist that’s scaring the sheeple all across America!
Gwen Summers is the pen name of a physician. She wishes she could tell you who she actually is, because she is a brilliant doctor (at least her friends say so!) She has also written for Points in Case, The Belladonna Comedy, and Little Old Lady Comedy.