The CEO of a Candy Company Defends His Plan To Put Razor Blades in Chocolate Bars

So there’s been some talk lately, a lot of it not very nice, I have to say, about our plan to put razor blades — you know, these little razor blades — inside our chocolate bars. And we all love our chocolate, right? And if you shave, you use a razor — the women in more places than the men, I hope. But I just thought, “What an idea, it could really be something beautiful.”

But the critics out there, and the confectioners associations and all that, are so closed-minded, so hateful, it’s like they don’t even want to give it a shot. I thought, “Have they ever tried it before, a chocolate bar with a razor blade inside it?” I don’t know, I don’t think so! So, nobody really has any experience with it, right, so they should at least say there’s a chance that it actually turns out okay. Like, what the hell do you have to lose?

You know, you have these so-called urban legends or whatever which are really just disgraceful propaganda pieces, if we’re being honest, which I am, about these razors showing up in kids’ Halloween candy and cutting their gums and cutting their tongues and things, which is allegedly a bad thing. Well look, maybe that’ll be an interesting experience for them, okay? It’ll shake up their Halloween, make it different, and I talk to these people, they tell me, “Joe, Mr. CEO, please, my little Dorothy and my little Jacob, they want to try this out, they’ve never had their fair share of candy on Halloween, all the other kids from other neighborhoods come in and they take all the good stuff, but if you do something to the candy to make it so it’s not taken, they’ll be happy. Could you do that, Joe?” And so I heard that, and I decided to do it, and I didn’t have to do it, I really didn’t, but I did it because I just couldn’t stand seeing these kids, little kids, get taken advantage of like that. 

So what we have now is a great opportunity, Halloween has never seen anything like it before, but everyone who likes candy is coming after me all of a sudden, and why? They used to like my chocolate, they bought millions of bars, and so I go and do this and now they don’t like me. Even the people from Skittles won’t talk to me anymore, it’s a very sad deal. 

But like I said, we’re getting a lot of attention, and it’s really becoming a movement — a movement, really — ‘cause there are so many people who have had it with boring old candy that doesn’t make you bleed. They might not admit it, they probably won’t if you ask them at the store because these cuts in your mouth, these lacerations, as the doctors say, are an unhealthy thing to have these days. That’s the big trend, they say. But it’s funny ‘cause you can go around with fake blood on your costume, on your face and it’s this nice thing, people like it, but where’s the love for the real stuff, you know? It’ll blend well with the chocolate, it’ll be the next big thing, it really will.

So we’re fighting for it, boy are we fighting, and we’re going to make the bars and people are going to buy them. We’ll see how many. And if they don’t, well, they’ll regret it, they really will, I can promise you that.


William Vaillancourt’s humor writing has appeared in The Weekly Humorist, Robot Butt and How Pants Work, among other places. 

Categories: Fiction

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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