At 01.33 open my eyes and breathe heavily

At 04.29 feel dread wash over me like an inky stream

At 05.15 stare at the ceiling

At 05.47 cry

At 06.15 stare at the ceiling

At 06.59 feel tingling in both my hands

At 07.15 stare at the ceiling

Repeat

At 11.01 roll out of bed.

At 11.02 sense the Perspex wall

At 11.15 burn toast but eat it anyway

At 11.18 smoke several cigarettes

At 11.31 consider abandoning self-care for good

At 11.45 wander barefoot around my flat

At 12.01 sense gloom falling over me like a wet duvet

At 12.13 smoke several more cigarettes

Repeat

At 14.53 pick up my unread copy of Proust

At 14.55 put down up my still unread copy of Proust

At 15.00 finally decide to give up searching for meaning

At 15.22 again wander barefoot around my flat

At 15.44 remember the beauty of vinyl

At 15.49 suddenly find meaning again listening to Marvin Gaye

At 16.28 forget big issues as they fade like my cigarette smoke

Go out and walk around the lake in the rain

At 19.00 phone my daughter and laugh

At 19.13 picture my head as orange and blue

At 19.23 look in the mirror and adopt a bubble gum smile

At 20.02 lose myself painting colourful pictures

At 21.43 smoke several cigarettes and drink some brandy

At 22.53 stand back and stretch

At 23.58 pick up my unread copy of Proust

At 00.55 wake up, put down up my still unread copy of Proust

Stretch.

Sigh

Smile

Yawn

Laugh

Smoke

At 01.33 fall asleep perhaps to wake to a better day

Henry is a writer, poet and mental health essayist based in Somerset in the UK. He has a PhD in literature and creative writing from the University of Birmingham. He is the author of several poetry collections and his work can be seen in Pure Slush, Lunate, and The Daily Drunk, among other places.