
At 01.33 open my eyes and breathe heavily
At 04.29 feel dread wash over me like an inky stream
At 05.15 stare at the ceiling
At 05.47 cry
At 06.15 stare at the ceiling
At 06.59 feel tingling in both my hands
At 07.15 stare at the ceiling
Repeat
At 11.01 roll out of bed.
At 11.02 sense the Perspex wall
At 11.15 burn toast but eat it anyway
At 11.18 smoke several cigarettes
At 11.31 consider abandoning self-care for good
At 11.45 wander barefoot around my flat
At 12.01 sense gloom falling over me like a wet duvet
At 12.13 smoke several more cigarettes
Repeat
At 14.53 pick up my unread copy of Proust
At 14.55 put down up my still unread copy of Proust
At 15.00 finally decide to give up searching for meaning
At 15.22 again wander barefoot around my flat
At 15.44 remember the beauty of vinyl
At 15.49 suddenly find meaning again listening to Marvin Gaye
At 16.28 forget big issues as they fade like my cigarette smoke
Go out and walk around the lake in the rain
At 19.00 phone my daughter and laugh
At 19.13 picture my head as orange and blue
At 19.23 look in the mirror and adopt a bubble gum smile
At 20.02 lose myself painting colourful pictures
At 21.43 smoke several cigarettes and drink some brandy
At 22.53 stand back and stretch
At 23.58 pick up my unread copy of Proust
At 00.55 wake up, put down up my still unread copy of Proust
Stretch.
Sigh
Smile
Yawn
Laugh
Smoke
At 01.33 fall asleep perhaps to wake to a better day
Henry is a writer, poet and mental health essayist based in Somerset in the UK. He has a PhD in literature and creative writing from the University of Birmingham. He is the author of several poetry collections and his work can be seen in Pure Slush, Lunate, and The Daily Drunk, among other places.