From: SensitiveGothBoy@Wahoo.com
Sent: November 2, 2020
To: MommyDrack@Wahoo.com
Subject: Halloween-themed birthday gift
Hi Mom,
I know you suffer from memory lapses, after your marriage to Mr. Drack, so this is your son, Jeremy. Anyway, thanks for the Halloween-themed Birthday gift. I’m ACTUALLY twenty-four now, NOT five, and, in all honesty, would have happily settled for a $200 Apple store gift card. Still, it was thoughtful of you to send the (FOR AGES 3 AND UP) 12-inch, battery-operated “VAMPIRINA” talking doll, and her 4-inch pup “WOLFIE.” They’re so downright adorable, I could just scream! Which is what I did, upon opening your gift. As I said, a gift card would have been just fine.
Hi to Drack.
Love,
J
From: SensitiveGothBoy@Wahoo.com
Sent: November 5, 2020
To: MommyDrack@Wahoo.com
Subject: Are you OK?
Hi Mom,
It’s Jeremy again! I haven’t heard from you! Are you OK?
I meant to tell you in my last email, but I was out of my mind with grief! You always warned me against marrying ELVIRUS. Well, she left me on Halloween, taking my little dog, Fang! Still, it can’t have been easy for her, living with a pathetic wreck of a man, who quotes Poe’s “The Raven,” reads Shelley’s Frankenstein, ALOUD, by candlelight—and frequently sobs-sings to “Lovesong,” by The Cure!
Happily, Vampirina and Wolfie sleep with me now, lying companionably on the lonely pillow next to mine, where Elvirus’s head used to lie. Where, every morning, after she’d exited the bed, I’d find specks of blood, and a small pile of what, after careful inspection and a read of my rodent manual, proved to be bat droppings.
Oh, those nights of wild, yet sexless passion, where Elvirus and I would lie there fully dressed, barely touching (for she insisted, most curiously, that I remain a virgin!). My increasing unease when I’d hear the flapping of wings, see the odd bat flying in through the open window, circle the bed, and fly back out. Or I’d awaken to find her straddling me, pale and ghastly, canine teeth long and pointy, in the moonlight, like some mad she-wolf—and screaming, “LET’S BITE!” My feeble attempts to oblige her, reluctant though I was to pierce human flesh due to my vegan diet. For over time, she had developed an obsession with my neck, and frequently drank my blood. Granted, I HAD suggested she drink more fluids to help moisten her wizened skin. However, I never suspected I’d be the source!
On Halloween, after NEAR RAMPANT lovemaking, which ALMOST took my virginity (glad though I would have been to lose it, to avoid yet another night of her infernal blood sucking, and to soothe my “Lover’s Balls”); she ran a finger under my upper teeth. “You can never satisfy me, Jeremy,” she sighed. “I’d hoped they’d grow, but they’re just too small and not pointy enough. To be frank, you’re not vampire material. You’re just too…fucking…human.” Then she drained me completely, called VAMPZ Blood Bank emergency hotline and took Fang trick-or-treating.
I haven’t seen them since.
Hi to Drack!
Love,
Jeremy
From: MommyDrack@Wahoo.com
Sent: November 7, 2020
To: SensitiveGothBoy@Wahoo.com
Subject: Are you OK?
Hi sweetheart!
Sorry to hear about the “Lover’s Balls.”
Feel better soon!
Drack says hi
Love,
Mom
From: SensitiveGothBoy@Wahoo.com
Sent: November 8, 2020
To: MommyDrack@Wahoo.com
Subject: BLOOD TRANSFUSION!
Hi Mom!
Yes, I’m feeling much better now, THANK YOU, after the blood transfusion!
Additionally, THANK YOU, again, for the Halloween-themed birthday gift. Wolfie is a quiet dog, much quieter than Fang, who barked at everything! Vampirina, in turn, can be quite the chatterbox! When I hold her close, pressing her necklace to activate her doll voice, I love her enthusiasm, her zest for life, her chirpy little, “You’re the best friend a vampire could ask for.” It thrills me to the core. As for her wings, OH DEAR HEAVEN, they light up in the dark! I admit to jealousy, though, when she counters this with, “I love ALL my friends, humans and monsters alike.” Which would indicate, that like Elvirus, she is possibly a little flighty and not in it for the long term. Wanting to be Vampirina’s only love, it tears my heart in two. Then I see her smile. Her look of pure, happy, undiluted love, when she says, “Let’s hang,” and I know that she is mine!
At least for now…
So, if we’re still an item come Thanksgiving, can I bring her and Wolfie to dinner? I’m sure everyone would LOVE to meet her!
Hi to Drack!
Love,
Jeremy
From: MommyDrack@Wahoo.com
Sent: November 11, 2020
To: SensitiveGothBoy@Wahoo.com
Subject: Are you OK?
Hi sweetheart!
Are you out of your tiny mind?
We’re in lockdown due to COVID!
Drack says hi.
Love,
Mom
Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).