OPENING GAG:
[Jim walks in, finds Dwight has moved his desk 6-ft away.]
DWIGHT
“Coronavirus, Jim, how do I know you don’t have it?”
JIM
“It’s very infectious, Dwight, so how do I know you don’t have it?”
Dwight
“Impossible. Schrutes have superior genes. I’ve only been sick one time, when my grandfather came to visit us from Argentina and brought a rare South American cold with him.”
JIM
“Well then your immune system is very strong, and the coronavirus might be mutating in you right now into a super strain totally impervious to modern medicine…
[Dwight looks worried. Jim holds hand to Dwight’s forehead.]
JIM
“Oh my God. Dwight, you’re burning up. You’re on fire. How’s your hearing? One of the symptoms is loss of hearing. [JIM mumbles quietly] Dwight, can you hear what I’m saying? [Speaks more mumbled gibberish.]
DWIGHT
“Jim, stop it.”
[Pam walks up to Dwight, just mouthing words. Jim mouths more sentences as he shakes Dwight’s shoulders. Dwight rushes to his phone, calls Michael.
DWIGHT
“Michael? Michael? Michael, talk louder! I can’t hear you! Ahhhh” [Dwight runs out of the room.]
[Jim looks at camera, then camera pans over through the blinds of Michael’s office to see him mumbling under 8 medical masks covering his face.]
[THEME SONG]
EPISODE EXPOSITION:
During a conference room meeting Michael sneezes, and then freaks out thinking he might have COVID. “We’re at threat level midnight, everyone!” he yells. Pam asks if Michael should quarantine himself in his office. Dwight interjects that if anyone has it, they likely all have it by now. Michael tells Dwight to get a thermometer to check his temperature. Michael writes “STAY CALM” on the dry erase board, and asks what they’d do if Stanley, Creed, or Phyllis got it because they’re all old. Phyllis reminds Michael they’re the same age. Dwight comes in with a giant thermometer, and tells Michael it’s a rectal thermometer for cows. Michael calls Dwight an idiot, and tells him to get it away from him. Michael directs Angela to start planning a quarantine party, and she complains that she can’t leave to get anything in case she gets COVID at the grocery store because her cat Sprinkles has a dozen pre-existing conditions. Dwight says he knows where they can find food for the party, and reveals a 30-gallon tub of beans he has kept in the storage room in case of apocalyptic emergency. Meredith reveals a hidden collection of alcohol. Toby says they really shouldn’t be freaking out so much because the number of cases in Scranton isn’t that high, and Michael coughs in his face, says he hopes Toby has it now, and tells him he’s a deadly virus for fun.
CREED CUTAWAY: “Wuhan, great city. I was just there last OCTOBER. I know a guy who can find very exotic meats. I ate several skewers of raw brown nosed bat. Gave me some indigestion though, and I got very sick. I’m lucky I was only there for a few days and left right as the coronavirus started spreading.”
Dash MacIntyre is the political satirist behind The Halfway Post, a liberal source of satirical news published at HalfwayPost.com.