Confused Liberal Doesn’t Know What To Do With His Stimulus Check

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Geesh conservative alpha-bully, calm down. Maybe lay off the steroids. Speaking of laying, there’s an idea. Try getting laid.

No one will have you because you’re an asshole? No worries. You’re rich. Just pay for it, but be sure to carefully guard your secret.  Your moral hypocrisy depends on that.

Actually, forget paying with your own money. Use my stimulus check for your… umm… stimulation. More on that below.

I haven’t even received that damn check yet, and you’re already screaming at me all over social media to give it back because I hate our country or our President or something.

You’re screaming hatefully, but I’m hate-filled. Got it.

I’m also just a snowflake libtard who’s so scared of catching a little cold that I won’t get off my ass and go back to work. I know… I know… any pathetic excuse like a global pandemic to avoid work, right?

I’m used to the name-calling. It doesn’t even hurt my fragile feelings anymore—well okay, maybe a little—but I don’t get this.

I’m the lazy socialist who loves handouts, right? That’s what you told me when I mentioned increasing funding for the food stamp program in order to help more of our country’s poorest citizens.

And you’re right. I must be a lazy socialist if I said that. And I certainly must love handouts.

Only now I don’t get to keep my handout. But you get to keep yours, even though you’re the one who hates them, right?

So where does mine go? To a poor person? No, we’ve been over that. You’re not a big fan of helping the poor.

Back to the government maybe? No, you’re not big on big government either, according to you.

Hmm, so I don’t get my check because you said I’m a communist, even though I thought a communist would get a check. And poor people don’t get it because they’re lazy scum. And the government doesn’t get it back because… well… big government.

So that only leaves one option… YOU! You get my check, don’t you? To pay for a prostitute!

Ah, wait a second. It’s all starting to make sense now.

Two for you and none for me. Capitalism. Good ole capitalism.

Chuck Miller writes stuff on platforms for people with dubious credentials. Visit https://www.whatthechuuuck.com/ for more of his nonsense and one thing that makes a lot of sense: his children’s picture book about a little girl striving to overcome developmental delays, Will Little Roo Ever…?.

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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