“Hello everyone, thank you for tuning into tonight while I go over some best practices for dealing with this relentless shit.”
“I guess you should wear a mask if you go out, and you know, don’t touch your face. Oh, and wash your hands, and you know, the same fuckin things I’ve said for months now.”
“If you’re bored at home, you could try a new hobby or something. Plant some flowers because it’s good for your mental health and the environment and shit. Or, just get a pencil and draw something shitty and then try again, and over time it will get less shitty looking.”
“Don’t fight about stupid crap with your spouse, because while we’re home all the time, its all stupid crap. You do the dishes tonight, he does them tomorrow night, just figure it the fuck out.”
“Don’t watch the news too much, to preserve your mental health and crap. But thank you for tuning into this briefing.
“Order stuff and have it delivered, and if it’s out of stock just like, use something else. Or just stop using things.”
“Support local businesses since it’s good for the shitty fucking economy. But if you don’t have money, don’t support anyone and just you know, hunker down into the endless void of quarantine.”
“Don’t touch random people. I know humans need touch and connection and all that bullshit, but not right now. So go hug a fucking pillow maybe, and cry that shit out. I don’t fuckin know.”
“Go take a walk or something because you’re driving your wife nuts, you know that right?”
“You miss your family? Why do you miss your Aunt Tina? You didn’t want to see her before the quarantine and now you suddenly have this need to go visit her? You’re cooped up, so just do a zoom meet-up or something and you can watch her drink and cackle from the safety of your living room.”
“Put on some headphones to drown out the noise of your loud fucking children, or just go into another room and close the door.”
“Don’t fuckin bother with pants, they’ll just ruin your day.”
“On the same topic, don’t bother with shoes, they will also just ruin your day.”
“I am out of ideas at this time. Just eat some fucking snacks and drink some fucking beers and you know, we’ll get through this, or we won’t.”
Melissa Pelletier is a writer from Long Island NY who’s work has been published at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Weekly Humorist, and LOLComedy among other places. Her motto is if it ain’t broke, break it, and then you can have an excuse to fix it the way you wanted to in the first place. Follow her on Twitter @TheyBredRaptors.