Don’t buy the Rollex for a second!
You know Eartha and Ari and Madonna and T Swift. Stefani and Kylie and Callait and Braxton. But do you recall The most famous “Santa Baby” of all?
Well, it’s definitely not Michael Bublé’s.
Poor, confused John Travolta as Danny Zuko as Michael Bublé’s lyricist… What ever were you thinking? What went through your left-to-right brain synapse when you shellacked the whole track with that awful, evasive Santa “dude” and “pally” business? This was badly done, lyricist. Very badly done!
Your muse, your friend, Michael Bublé trusted you with his vision to be the first man to sing “Santa Baby” on his first commercial Christmas album. He trusted you to see him, like Bradley saw Gaga. But what did you do, Henry Winkler as Fonzie as Michael Bublé’s lyricist? You blew it with that very first line change from Sable to Rollex.
You may have scared him, lyricist, but we know Michael’s truth. And to know his “Haven’t Met You Yet” heart, we know that if he were to do it all over again and redeem himself in the eyes of Father Christmas and George Michael, we know this is what he’d have to say now…
Kittens! Dim the lights and cue the boop-boops!
Santa baby, slip a veladora under the tree
To teach me French in the night
Santa bébé, and shimmy down the chimney tonight
Santa boopie, a six thousand dollar gift card to
I’ll rock those cashmeres for you
Santa shmoopie, and shimmy down the chimney tonight
Think of all the fun I’ve missed
Think of all those Hallmark gigs I’ve had to skip
Next year I could be your J-Lo
And headline the Super Bowl Halftime show
Santa baddie, I want to WAP and really that’s not a lot
Just watch me bounce on TikTok
Santa Bardi, and shimmy down the chimney tonight
Santa hubby, there’s one thing I really do need
To up my skin care routine
Santa, hurry, and shimmy down the chimney tonight
Santa sweetie, fill my stocking with Twilight books
I took a quiz, I’m team Ed
Santa, vamp me, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With the expertise of Queer Eye’s JVN
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you, y’know, believe in you, too
Santa doodie, forgot to mention one little thing
Between us, whose songs do you sing?
Santa baby, please love me, choose me, pick me tonight
Please love me, choose me, pick me tonight
Oh and shimmy
Megan Murphy is a dramatist based out of New York City. Someone once told Megan she reminded them of Miranda Sings, a wound from which Megan has never fully recovered. You can learn more about how very wrong this person was at meganamurphy.com