Don’t buy the Rollex for a second!

You know Eartha and Ari and Madonna and T Swift. Stefani and Kylie and Callait and Braxton. But do you recall The most famous “Santa Baby” of all? 

Well, it’s definitely not Michael Bublé’s.

Poor, confused John Travolta as Danny Zuko as Michael Bublé’s lyricist… What ever were you thinking? What went through your left-to-right brain synapse when you shellacked the whole track with that awful, evasive Santa “dude” and “pally” business? This was badly done, lyricist. Very badly done! 

Your muse, your friend, Michael Bublé trusted you with his vision to be the first man to sing “Santa Baby” on his first commercial Christmas album. He trusted you to see him, like Bradley saw Gaga. But what did you do, Henry Winkler as Fonzie as Michael Bublé’s lyricist? You blew it with that very first line change from Sable to Rollex.  

You may have scared him, lyricist, but we know Michael’s truth. And to know his “Haven’t Met You Yet” heart, we know that if he were to do it all over again and redeem himself in the eyes of Father Christmas and George Michael, we know this is what he’d have to say now… 

Kittens! Dim the lights and cue the boop-boops! 

— 

Santa baby, slip a veladora under the tree 

Chalamet please 

To teach me French in the night 

Santa bébé, and shimmy down the chimney tonight 

Santa boopie, a six thousand dollar gift card to 

J. Crew 

I’ll rock those cashmeres for you 

Santa shmoopie, and shimmy down the chimney tonight 

Think of all the fun I’ve missed 

Think of all those Hallmark gigs I’ve had to skip 

Next year I could be your J-Lo 

And headline the Super Bowl Halftime show 

Santa baddie, I want to WAP and really that’s not a lot 

Just watch me bounce on TikTok 

Santa Bardi, and shimmy down the chimney tonight 

Santa hubby, there’s one thing I really do need 

Eye cream 

To up my skin care routine 

Santa, hurry, and shimmy down the chimney tonight 

Santa sweetie, fill my stocking with Twilight books 

Box set 

I took a quiz, I’m team Ed 

Santa, vamp me, and hurry down the chimney tonight 

Come and trim my Christmas tree 

With the expertise of Queer Eye’s JVN

I really do believe in you 

Let’s see if you, y’know, believe in you, too 

Santa doodie, forgot to mention one little thing  

Josh Groban 

Between us, whose songs do you sing? 

Santa baby, please love me, choose me, pick me tonight 

Please love me, choose me, pick me tonight 

Oh and shimmy 

Toooooniiiiiiight



Megan Murphy is a dramatist based out of New York City. Someone once told Megan she reminded them of Miranda Sings, a wound from which Megan has never fully recovered. You can learn more about how very wrong this person was at meganamurphy.com