Day 1:

“Umm . . .My name is Dave. I’m calling about my internet-order bride.” 

“Greetings, sir! That is our business, satisfaction guaranteed, hundred percentage. We find you perfect bride.” 

“I’m actually calling about your return policy. You sent me Delja. This marriage is not working.”

“Too much unfortunate. You must give us the bitter reason.” 

“You have a return policy, right?” 

“This your wife, not slippers not fit so you can return to store.” 

“You don’t understand. She’s a shopaholic who’s draining my bank account. I mean she buys stuff non-stop and that inflatable man-doll she just bought was the last straw.” 

“No good enough reason. Your house, your rules. You man, she follow.”

Day 2: 

“Sir, when you call yesterday I explain.”

“Why have a return policy if you won’t take her back? Your ad says that I can return my wife if I’m not satisfied. And, I want to return Delja.”

“Only if valid reason.” 

“I’ve told you we can’t be husband and wife, we have no connection.”

“You man of house? She cooking lunch and dinner for you?”

“Yes, she does, but . . .”

“She look nice-nice, dress prettiful and offer to be . . . mother to your childrens?”

“Yes, and no.”

“Why no?”

“I haven’t touched her.”

“Oh! I ask someone about situation, okay?”

Day 2 (Continued):

  “Hello, hello, mister, you are here?”

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Not touched? For sure?”

“Yes, sure.”

“Okay. Some questions. No damage? No marks? No any inter . . . association?”

“None. So, when can I send her back? Do I get a refund?”

“Hold on, mister. Boss must give last okay. He not in.”

Day 3:

“Is your boss in today?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What did your boss say? Come on, help me.” 

“My boss say no return when no defect with wife. That final answer. Sorry!”

“Are you saying you can’t do anything?”

“No return allowed. You must work on relationship. See, I got one wife, two childrens, we very happy. Also, our company have limit, only three calls post-transaction.”

“This is preposterous. I’m going to take legal action.”

“Good luck in your marriage, sir. Anything else with I can help you? If not, please wait for survey. I appreciate if you give me five stars for customer service. My job, my wife, my children depend on review. Thank you for your call.”



Sudha Balagopal has spent long hours on the phone with call-center reps, some of whom can be helpful. Her recent fiction appears in Fictive Dream, Brilliant Flash Fiction, Milk Candy Review and Smokelong Quarterly among other journals. She is the author of a novel, A New Dawn.