Three Obituaries: Pete Davidson’s Tattoos, Mom’s Track Suit, and Showers

Pete Davidson’s Tattoos

The most sublime work of art to emerge from Staten Island since Melanie Griffith’s hair for her role in Working Girl will soon be destroyed. It’s true, the “King” has given in to pressure from the world of entertainment to normalize and fit in rather than create and inspire as he has done his entire career. 

This type of mentality has aided in the divisions seen in America today. What if Andy Warhol had immortalized “Tang” instead of “Campbell’s Soup” in his legendary art pieces? What would occur if Leonardo DiCaprio started dating women over the drinking age? Where would the country be if Tiffany Trump actually met her father? Disunity would be more rampant in the U.S. than ever. Talk of secession by some states has already begun. Civil war could ensue.

Reports are that Pete started having his ink removed because it takes four hours in a makeup chair just to cover the art on his hands. He believes he may have missed out on some important roles because of the time and expense of getting him camera-ready. The entertainment game is already filled with the pablum-look of stars from Colin Jost to Mark Wahlberg. We need a man that’s not afraid of his own power and influence.

If Pete succumbs, what’s next? Eugene and Dan Levy of Schitt’s Creek trim their eyebrows? Johnny Depp stars in ABBA! on Broadway? Oprah Winfrey announces marriage to Stedman?! No one wants to see any of this. 

Keep the ink and save our motherland, Pete. It’s your duty.

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Mom’s Track Suit

Remember the track suit your mom wore to every family function in 1993. The pinkish one with multi-colored trim. And how thrilled you were when your dad barfed all over it at the Labor Day picnic after he chugged a six-pack of PBR. Your mom tried removing the smell, but couldn’t, so she tossed it. Finally, you were at peace and your life could continue without any more embarrassing “mom” encounters with boyfriends or sorority sisters. 

Well they’re back.

“They’re comfortable, affordable and can be worn anywhere, even to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs,” announced JC Penney CEO, Freddie Hagborn. “Curiosity about tracks suits has jumped 8700% on Parler.com over the past two months, and we plan to take advantage of this trend.” 

In order to reinvigorate their business for the 2020s, JC Penney, in partnership with unemployable-actress Kirstie Alley, has announced that the track suit will be at the heart of their new line, “No, My Name’s Not Karen.” 

Rigorous research has revealed that Penney’s new target demographic, The-Not-So-Well-Informed, enjoys wearing the suits because they:

  1. are taken seriously by police whenever accusing anyone of anything
  2. are identified as a true believer at “fake election” rallies
  3. receive a complimentary “dick pic” from toad on the hill, Mitch McConnell

For survivors of the “track suit era” or anyone interested in joining RATS (Resistance Against Track Suits) please complete the form below. 

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Showers 

As his last official act in office, Trump outlawed showers. This has been a driving issue throughout his presidency. He has claimed multiple times, “Americans take too many showers and for too long of a time, resulting in the waste of more water than is in the whole world.” 

Former spokes-hole Sarah Huckabee Sanders recently tweeted that Trump told her, “Don Jr. bathes me in the fountain at Mar-a-Lago once a month, and I’ve never had a problem. Everybody thinks I smell great. And you know firsthand the type of broads that hit on me. Hot. Hot. Hot.”  

Seth Nutter wrote in his blog How to Be a Born-Again Christian Without the Hassle of Praying, Tithing or Attending Church that Trump signed this in to law in order to free up more water for his vineyard expansion in all fifty states. Eric Trump told Seth, “We plan to corner the wine market and make our next billion. Will be an easy win since it’s just grapes and water. And you don’t even need to add that many grapes.” 

When asked by CNN news to comment on these reports, Trump responded, “Tough titty.”



Jeff Harvey lives in San Diego CA and is working on his first novel. His short stories haveappeared in Stone of Madness Press, Salmon Creek Journal, Literary Yard, and Flash Fiction Magazine.Find him on Twitter @JeffHarveySD.

Categories: Funny News

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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