I, the CEO of Waze, Am Bravely Banning Trump From My App Like I Should Have Done Years Ago

After the horrific, offensive, and frankly repugnant events of the previous week, I, CEO of the GPS navigation app Waze, feel compelled to take a stand on a matter that I have just been told is a problem by my younger staff members. 

Although we are at our core a navigation app for young drivers who have never held a paper map in their lives, we are also a platform for community and conversation. We provide a place for people from every walk of life to share in their collective hatred towards cops and their shitty little speed traps. We provide you with the directions not only for where you want to go, but also for where you need to go: a place of understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. And also Taco Bell.

In the past, we have allowed President Trump to use our app as a private citizen, finding directions to Jeff Epstein’s private island or to his lawyer’s office to avoid paying any taxes. As President of the United States, we allowed his continued presence on the app, not only for finding directions to reach the lowest possible point a president could stoop to, but also for engaging with the community. For example, people can use our app to report sightings of police officers stationed at various intersections or roadways. If Trump didn’t have this tool at his disposal, how else would he let the police know that he loves them, he’s on their side and that they’re very special to him?

His decision to use his massive following to ensure chaos upon our democracy and not take responsibility for it is where we draw the line. We are Waze, for God’s sake. When you crash your car, you are also responsible for the ensuing pile up that occurs as a result of the crash. You are also responsible for reporting the crash on the app so we can alert your fellow drivers and reroute them away from your bullshit. 

Waze has let President Trump run amok on our platform for far too long. But at long last, his reign of tyranny ends today. I am announcing that President Donald Trump is banned from our platform indefinitely, in order to allow a more peaceful and lawful transition into office. His removal from a driving navigation app might not have as much impact on the peaceful transition of power as, say, being removed from Twitter or Facebook, but for my ego’s sake I’m going to pretend it does.

I can no longer in good conscience allow President Donald Trump to sow the seeds of cruelty and abuse on our app like he has continuously done over the last 5 years. Is our deplatforming of the president inconsequential to the well-being of our democracy in the grand scheme of things? Maybe. Are we going to do it anyways and reap the rewards of the impending positive press coverage? You bet your sweet ass we are!

Amy Currul is a humor writer in Brooklyn, New York. She tackles subjects such as menstruation, food, and the ridiculous behaviors white women in Brooklyn have deemed acceptable. Her work has appeared on Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy and Robot Butt, which is a miracle because she enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy much more than she does writing. She has studied satire and sketch writing at The Second City. Twitter: @amycurrul

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