I think Josh Brolin as W. in W. could beat up Sam Rockwell as W. from that sequel to The Machinist. But but but, now, wait, give me a fucking second. It is also fact that Sam Rockwell as Zaphod Beeblebrox could best both those wimps plus Dan Hedaya as Nixon AND Owen Wilson in any setting except an old west saloon. Also, Paul Giamatti as John Adams could take that dude from Hamilton, but Stallone from Liberty’s Kids would wail on the whole first continental Congress, Cobra-style. And I know it’s weird, but I’m sure President Palmer from 24 could take Serrano from Major League. Don’t ask me how I know, something about that curveball shit is just real. 

Here’s some other good news for you. Apocalypse Now Martin Sheen would bitch-slap West Wing Martin Sheen, even accounting for time and bitterness over Vietnam. This also suggests Any Given Sunday Pacino might be in trouble against West Wing Sheen, since both went toe to toe with Brando, which is weird. Also, Speed Jeff Daniels would overpower “America’s not the greatest country” Jeff Daniels even though he *spoilers* totally gets blown up. Why,? Because he gets blown up by Easy Rider. 

Randy Quaid and Jim Belushi lose every fight. Kiefer Sutherland wins every fight except for one against his dad in Body Snatchers, oh and also Buffy, but not M.A.S.H. 

Guillermo Del Torro could take Peter Jackson unless Fran Walsh was present. However, Peter Jackson’s movies could beat up Guillermo’s movies. Not in box office numbers (even though they do that too), but if the movies themselves were personified, like if the consciousness of Meet the Feebles and LOTR tried to sock Pan’s Labrinth and Shape of Water. Oh, shit, I forgot about Pacific Rim, I guess Jackson’s flicks would still win, but it’d be closer. Good thing Peter made such a big deal out of the rock giants in Hobbit, or else he might have been in trouble. But the argument has to go like this: Dead Alive is slightly better than Re-Animator, so Jackson trumps Gordon, and everyone knows Robot Jox is the best fighting robot thing besides Voltron, so Pacific Rim is disqualified. And I know when I mention rock giants, you’re probably going to bring up Neverending Story, but let’s keep those guys out of this lest we remember Artax and collapse into a puddle of our own tears. This super informed and well-researched article is about stabbing Gmorg in his gut, not about screaming at the child-like empress.

Interlude: Remember when Rocky fought Raging Bull in an actual movie? That was wild. Also, I can’t fit him directly into this conversation, but I feel like I need to mention that Brian Cox rules. 

Okay, back to business.

Do you think they’ll recast Mel Gibson in the next Braveheart movie? After Braveheart, Braveheart 2: Braveheart in the Revolution (The Patriot), and Braveheart 3, Braveheart Goes to Vietnam (We Were Soldiers), I think they should get Charlize Theron to be in Braveheart 4: Braveheart in Space like they did with Mad Max. Just spitballing. 

So, in conclusion, the greatest knock-out ever in movie politics was when Joan Allen beat up Lebowski as president (who by the way, like Sam Rockwell, once fought Iron Man), Sam Elliot (without a mustache), Commissioner Gordon, and Christian Slater all at the same time in that movie The Contender, yet she (Allen) couldn’t beat Julia Roberts for the Oscar that year. That says something about Hollywood’s influence, and I’m sure it ain’t good. 

Anyway, let me know if you have any questions.



Scott Bryan is a zinester and lunatic living in the state with the most drive-ins and horror attractions per capita. He has been published in Trampset, X-R-A-Y, Versification, and Rejection Letters, and he tweets @scott_bryan.