If you want to feel depressed, try watching the Hallmark made-for-TV-movie version of Christmas Shoes while drinking an entire bottle of “Two-Buck-Chuck” alone from your roommate’s son’s sippy cup. I highly suggest doing this only after recalling that your roommate is your most recent ex, and the child reminds you of a miscarriage that you had earlier that year. As Rob Lowe feebly attempts to move past typecasting of “charming smooth-talker” to “emotionally distressed father”, it is recommended to remember your own emotionally distant father turning a blind eye behind a locked door while your brother chased you with sharp sticks or locked you in the coat closet. Kimberly Williams-Paisley is known to you, unlike your own mother, here playing the soulful cancer patient mom trying to show her son every last shred of caring affection available before dying horribly. The son, played by Max Morrow, attends his mother at her deathbed, and wants nothing more than to buy her one last gift so she can feel beautiful before she says goodbye forever. Though this goal seems hardly practical, tell that to your shuddering floor sobs where you realize how dirty your brown carpeting truly is. This movie is best paired with your most oversized pair of pajama pants (you know the ones) and a shirt that says: “I Still Believe” with a stylized picture of Santa on it. Final note: you are physically incapable of crying while drinking any liquid, so keep the corkscrew nearby.
Dee Richards is a writer, parent, and LGBTQ+ feminist badass living in Southern California. Her/Their work can be found in Epoch, Cabinet of Heed, Acorn Review and more!