I don’t want to sound like a snob here, but…I must inform the world of the truth. And that truth is that tea is amazing, and coffee is a plebian disgrace.
Tea. Its flavors are compelling and varied. In one cup, you can sip all the flavors of the world. Tea is somehow earthy, herbal, and floral. It’s both subtle, yet bold. It’s complex.
Coffee, on the other hand, is the drink of the disgruntled proletariat. It’s for the unrefined pallets of overgrown apes. Whereas tea transports you to distant lands and faraway places, coffee is merely a mug of burnt, black caffeine. Tea changes flavors depending on where it’s grown, and the oxidation process used. There’s white, green, oolong, black, and the much sought-after pu’er. Coffee, on the other hand, comes in three styles – light roast (burnt and acidic), medium roast (burnt and bland), and dark roast (burnt and more burnt).
And this isn’t to say that those who drink coffee are beneath me, this is to say that those who drink coffee are beneath everyone who drinks tea. For the tea drinker knows to savor each sip. To cherish each moment with the cup. To find the fancy and whimsy within us all. The only thing coffee drinkers know how to do is get a caffeine high that will last them until lunch, after which they’ll be forced to brew another cup of dead, soulless beans that will last them until dinner, after which they’ll switch from coffee to alcohol to numb the pain as they watch reruns of The Office while lying on their used couch in their stained underwear, crying the night away until they pass out.
There is hope though. I have wonderful news for all the downtrodden sheep of this world. You too can elevate your life, simply by switching to tea. You can escape the tyranny of your coffee overlord and make the change to a better existence. Dump that Folgers in the trash. Throw away all your Starbucks gift cards. And for the love of God, please incinerate all of that hipster “artisan” coffee shit you have lying around. Listen to me – Coffee is never artisan. Coffee doesn’t even know how to be artisan. Coffee is the antithesis of artisan. If tea was the well-curated indie movie theater showing arthouse classics in Manhattan, then coffee would be the AMC showing endless Marvel movies in Boise.
So, take my hand. Let me lift you up and out of your sad, pitiful existence. This world can be filled with wonderous things, and all of them can be found in tea. Treat yourself to a better life. To a better existence. Make the switch to tea, and never look back. Ever.
Keith Langston writes for Travel Channel, Screen Rant, and Passport Magazine, among others. His personal essays have been featured in Hobart and Talking Writing. His passions are travel, film, and tea.