“Amazon is offering its colossal operations network and advanced technologies to assist President Joe Biden in his vow to get 100 million COVID-19 vaccinations to Americans in his first 100 days in office” – ABC News, 1/21/21
Hello! We here at Amazon are offering our services to help you, the US Government, in your distribution of the COVID-19 vaccine. We touch every aspect of human life: we’re an e-commerce website, a grocery delivery service, a streaming platform. We host websites for white supremacists (until recently), we design artificial intelligence for ICE to target random immigrants with, we even have bookstores! That you can visit! In real life!
We can do it all, including distribute this absolutely vital vaccine to as many Americans as possible, minus our own warehouse employees. We simply can’t afford to give them the time off if we’re going to meet the government’s timeline. That’s capitalism for ya!
Here are some ideas about vaccine distribution we’d like to pitch you, because being a leader in just one industry isn’t good enough. We want to corner every market available to mankind, and then create new markets and corner those as well. Let us know what you think, and enjoy the free Amazon Prime subscription (limit to 1 per federal executive department/ state’s entire Congressional delegation/the United States Cabinet, subject to cancellation at any time, terms and conditions apply).
Prime Subscribers In Group 1A
First of all, we have to reward our loyal subscribers. What kind of company would we be if our customers didn’t receive perks for their continued patronage? Any US citizen who can prove they have had an Amazon Prime subscription for 1 continuous year under their name (using your parents’, roommate’s, or roommate’s parents’ account doesn’t count) will be placed in Group 1A to receive the vaccine.
Buy Five Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies, Receive A Free Vaccine
Through our data analysis of our customers’ purchase histories, Google searches and out loud musings in the presence of their Alexa, we know that everyone loves Girl Scout cookies. Now the Girl Scouts of America did not accept our partnership offer, but we misjudged their perceived enthusiasm and bulk-bought 100 million boxes of their delicious cookies in advance, so we are running a special of our own. Order five boxes of any flavor of Girl Scout cookies with any purchase, and receive the vaccine completely free of charge (aside from the cost of your order, plus tax and shipping). This special deal is only available during the upcoming full moon on the 28th at 2:16pm EST, so fill up your carts now!
Mail Vaccines Alongside Tax Returns
We still need to consult the IRS on the specifics of this plan because surprisingly, we’ve never actually paid taxes before, so we don’t know how tax returns work or even what the IRS does with everyone’s taxes. But we do know tax season is soon, so why not send everyone their tax return along with the first dose of the vaccine? What could possibly go wrong there? People never have problems receiving their tax returns, right?
Drone Delivery Via Our New App Amazon Health
Now we know people sometimes find our tactics “invasive” and “disturbing” and “in flagrant violation of the law”, but hear us out. We’ve been developing a new app called Amazon Health, and a vaccine would be the perfect procedure to beta test the app. Users sign up for the app, fill out a few medical forms, and then we send them their dosages of the vaccine one month apart. Now, by agreeing to the terms and conditions you are locked into an exclusive, lifelong contract that states you can only receive medical services from us for the rest of your life. Insurance not included, outside providers not accepted.
Shoot It Into The Sun
We’re not really science people here at Amazon. For the specifics of this plan, we’ve consulted our dear friend and known space enthusiast Elon Musk. The idea is the vaccine will explode upon contact with the sun and then be dispersed into the atmosphere, thereby vaccinating everyone. He assures us this is a totally legitimate way to distribute the vaccine, and we have no reason not to believe him, so we’re going to try it!
Amy Currul is a humor writer in Brooklyn, New York. She tackles subjects such as menstruation, food, and the ridiculous behaviors white women in Brooklyn have deemed acceptable. Her work has appeared on Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy and Robot Butt, which is a miracle because she enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy much more than she does writing. She has studied satire and sketch writing at The Second City. Twitter: @amycurrul