Since Drago can’t speak from being knocked unconscious a few minutes ago, I, Ludmilla, am here to tell you that my husband doesn’t plan on attending Rocky’s victory speech. Instead, he would like to be honored with one last elaborate send-off.

Drago is a simple, patriotic man. He just wants to finally be respected and celebrated for all the great things he’s done while he was obviously winning the fight for at least the first fourteen rounds.

For his departure, he would like to proudly walk down a red carpet as he exits the boxing ring and the stadium. The carpet should not be on a ramp, and has to be red to not only bring a dignified air to the event, but also to represent the great Soviet Union and the blood that was shed from the brutal boxing match.

He would also like a military band to give him a proper send-off. This doesn’t need to be crazy and over-the-top with showgirls and pyrotechnics. He was thinking something more light and poignant such as the Village People’ YMCA or the Second Movement from Shostakovich’s 10th symphony.

Drago also feels that it would be appropriate to have fighter jets do a flyover to commemorate his departure. He thinks about 6 Soviet era MiGs would be fantastic, especially if two of them could do one of those exciting near-miss collisions that we’re all feeling right now. It would also be super cool if they could use smoke to spell out “WE LOVE YOU DRAGO!”

Lastly, there needs to be a 21-gun salute for Drago. He would like them all to be top generals or admirals, not regular military “losers” or “suckers.” Also, once they finish the salute, if it’s not too much trouble, we’d prefer if they shot Rocky, too.

Let me assure you, by requesting these simple things, Drago is not trying to take away this historic moment from his opponent. He is not doing this just to stay in the spotlight. Since he is still heavily oiled up and dripping with sweat, spotlights would be a bad idea right now.

Why should Drago have to endure the humiliation of watching Rocky being named the champion and stand around while he gives his victory speech? Drago’s country already turned on him. This fight was billed as one of the highest national pride sporting events outside of the Olympics and Rocky managed to somehow get the crowd to turn around, cheer for him, and chant his name. Whatever.

I think you Americans are just a bit sore because he beat your great champion, Apollo. Yes, it was tragic that Apollo died, but it wasn’t Drago’s fault. He didn’t know his punch, which was measured by scientists to be over 2,100 pounds per square inch, could kill anyone. We all know Drago doesn’t trust scientists. And besides, after Apollo was hit, he was clearly still alive. You could even see him shake a little after he flopped down on the canvas. He must have had a preexisting condition or something.

Drago is only asking for what he deserves, and what he deserves is a special departure ceremony that the whole world will love to watch because of their deep admiration for him.

This fight was painfully long and drawn out, and Drago’s ceremony will help heal the country and bring everyone closer together, just like it did when we all watched the beautiful finales of Game of Thrones and Dexter.



Kurt Zemaitaitis is a musician and comedy writer trying to inject a little more humor into the world. His writing is published in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady, and other sites.