Crappy Endings: Deadwood

INT. GEM SALOON – AL’S ROOM – DAY

TRIXIE sits on the bed, holding a dying AL SWEARENGEN’S hand. DOC COCHRAN bursts into the room.

TRIXIE: Damn it, Doc, Al needs his fuckin’ rest. 

DOC: Unless he wants that rest to be permanent, he’ll hear what the fuck I have to say!

Al: By all means, Doc, sputter more horseshit into my ear.  

DOC: I’ve developed a procedure. I think there’s a way to transplant someone’s liver into you, Al. 

Trixie squeezes Al’s hand, sensing hope. 

AL: Well, I’ve got fuck-all to lose. Tell Dan to murder me a donor. 

DOC: No need, Bullock shoots three or four likely shitbirds every day. 

AL: Then tell Dan to help me up. If I’ve time left, there’s business on this mortal coil I’ll fuckin’ well tend to. 

EXT. DEADWOOD JAIL – DAY

SETH BULLOCK stands guard outside of his own door, seething with anger, but alert. 

INT. DEADWOOD JAIL – CONTINUOUS

In a cell, GEORGE HEARST is bloody and bound. DAN DORITY holds Hearst’s hand down on a small table, which is otherwise covered with documents. Al sits, holding a huge knife. 

Al plays the knife game, moving it between Hearst’s splayed fingers to the rhythm of “Waltzing Matilda,” which he hums. 

AL: This is the price of trespassing in my territory, Hearst. You took my finger, yes. But with what you just signed…I’ve taken your empire. 

Al makes a move to slash Hearst’s throat, but he’s too weak. 

Dan gently takes the knife from Al and butchers Hearst without mercy. 

AL: Tell Wu his pigs get a rich meal tonight.  

INT. HOTEL SUITE – DAY

E.B. FARNUM hands ALMA ELLSWORTH a document, which we see is a DEED granting her ownership of Hearst Mining Company. 

She is delighted. 

INT. DEADWOOD PIONEER OFFICES – DAY

JOHNNY BURNS hands A.W. MERRICK a document, which we see grants him controlling interest in Hearst Newspaper Publishing. 

He is shocked. 

CUT TO:

A NEWSPAPER(the NEW YORK PIONEER)spins into frame. 

The headline: “HEARST DISAPPEARS. SOL STAR ELECTED AS JUNIOR SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA, WITH EYES ON THE PRESIDENCY” 

EXT. LAS VEGAS CASINO – DAY

INSERT TITLE: “Many years and many organ transplants later…”

A gaudy building in 1950s Vegas. A huge sign proclaims it’s the “GEM HOTEL AND CASINO” and “MARILYN MONROE PERFORMS NIGHTLY.” 

INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE – DAY

An ancient Al lays in an enormous bed, as MARILYN MONROE gives him a blowjob. He stiffens, she stops, and she fixes her hair. 

MARILYN: I have to be at rehearsal, Al, baby. See ya! 

She blows him a kiss and leaves. 

Al, wizened with extreme age, grunts. He reaches with the last of his strength and picks up a snow globe from a side table. 

Inside the globe is a replica of Deadwood’s main street, back when it was wild and unconquered. 

Al whispers…

AL: Cocksucker. 

He drops the snow globe, and breathes his last breath. 

Al is at peace. 



Dr. Bill Bradley: teacher of screen studies, writer, and comedy person in NJ. I’ve been published in sites like Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy. I encourage you to cite your f*cking sources, and you can find me on social media @drbillbradley

Categories: Film & TV: Crappy Endings

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