When it comes to fitness, the eyebrows are one of the most neglected parts of the body. Luckily, all it takes to whip them into shape is a healthy dose of skepticism; just raise your furry friends a few times a day in doubt! Here’s a helpful list of things that should really get your eye-blankets a-bouncin’!
1. Subway Ingredients
Next time you’re in line for a “healthy” “foot-long” “submarine,” you might want to push back a little bit against the sandwich artist. “Bread?” he asks. “Is it?” you reply. “Veggies?” he says. “Are they?” you inquire. “Protein?” “No.” By the time you make it to the cash register your brows should have already added a little bulk.
2. Susan Collins “Thinking It Over”
All you need for this exercise is CSPAN and a moral compass. Every time the senator from Maine “ponders” something— be it voting against a sexual assailant for the Supreme Court, voting to impeach Trump for blackmailing the Ukranian government into digging up dirt on his political rival’s son, or voting to impeach Trump for inciting a domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol— you’re gonna wanna raise an eyebrow in a way that says, “Sure, Susan.” Hold it until she votes with McConnell.
3. Full Capri Suns
“Hey, dude!” says your “friend” at a birthday party. “Have this Capri Sun! I already put the straw in it for you.” Hit ‘em with a brow, then deflate the pouch, blowing their own hot air back in their face, and whisper: “I’m not a f*** b*.”
4. Former ISIS Executioners Who Really Want To Talk About It
The next time you’re a reporter and someone comes up to you claiming to have killed like a whole bunch of people for ISIS and now would love to chat about it on a podcast, instead of saying “Sure!”, try raising an eyebrow dubiously, and then do some background research.
5. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
Really? You can’t believe it? Have you tried reading your own ingredients? Spare me the performative bewilderment, Brenda!! (Try to say that with your eyebrows.)
Well, there you go, guys! Five simple steps. And when someone says to you, Wow, the skin around your eyebrows is so toned and tight! Was it Botox?, you tell them, Nope! Just a bunch of bulls***.
Ramsey Daniels has a B.A. in English from Skidmore College. His work has been published in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady Comedy, Humor Darling, Table Magazine, and Queen Mob’s Teahouse. He also performs stand-up comedy and has had the chance to open for national acts such as Shane Torres (Conan) and Chris Porter (Kimmel). He currently resides in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.