Coach Harris Did Not Incite the Alpha Betas to Vandalize the Lambda Lambda Lambda House

I know many of you think that Coach Harris being found not guilty doesn’t make any sense. Especially after a fair trial held by the Greek Council whose members consisted solely of the football team and their cheerleaders.  

But it comes down to this: all Coach Harris did was give a political speech, not incite the insurrection.     

Yes, the jocks were surprised and angry that they lost to the nerds in the Greek Games during homecoming. But it’s not like the nerds were all innocent here, either. If you watch the videos, you’d see that the nerds cheated during the Greek Games. They didn’t even try during the tug-of-war, spied on the females of Pi Delta Pi, and used some sort of drug to counter the effects of drinking twenty beers during the cycle race. 

The insurrection against the Lambda Lambda Lambda house was a tragic event. But this trial was a witch hunt. For some reason, the nerds have always hated the jocks, especially once the jocks took over their dorms after their frat house burned down. 

Some reports have claimed that it was the jocks’ own fault that their frat house caught fire, but that’s simply not true. It wasn’t the grain alcohol that the Alpha Betas were drinking and spitting into lit matches that burned down their frat house that evening, it was faulty wiring. 

The nerds were just mad about their living conditions in the gym, particularly during basketball practice. If they really didn’t like living there, they should have figured out how to be accepted by any of the highly exclusive fraternities on campus that clearly discriminated against them.    

Some have argued that the Adams College ethics committee voted to acquit Coach Harris because they are afraid that he still holds power over them. No, they voted “not guilty” because he represents financial success. Yes, colleges spend millions of dollars a year on athletics and Coach Harris constantly brags about his enormous wealth. And even though these facts might be the reason for the ridiculous rise in tuition rates each year, it doesn’t make him a bad person.  

Coach Harris is the victim of vengeful nerds that are a product of a biased liberal college curriculum.    

This is the most divisive that the nerds and jocks have been in the history of Adams College and it has gone on long enough. 

It’s time for unity.  



Kurt Zemaitaitis is a musician and comedy writer trying to inject a little more humor into the world. His writing is published in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady, and other sites.

Categories: Funny News

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