Hello world! It is I, NASA’s Perseverance Mars Rover. That’s my full legal name anyhow, but people generally shorten it to Mars Rover. My real friends call me Rovy!
I have successfully touched down on the surface of Mars, and I gotta say, it’s pretty nice! The entry into Mars’ atmosphere and landing was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Mars is exactly as I pictured it. The surface is red and dusty, but not a bright red or a blood red, more like a clay red or a brownish-red. The sky is hazy, similar to that of Tatooine or abandoned Las Vegas as imagined in Blade Runner 2049. The air is…. Well I can’t really speak to that part, seeing as I am a robotic vehicle that can’t breathe.
Oh god. Just the idea that I can’t breathe makes me claustrophobic. Is anyone else hot up here? Can we open a window? No, because we’re on an open air planet with no structures and therefore, no windows. Okay, just breathe, Rovy.
We. I don’t know why I said that. I’m alone up here. All alone, millions of miles away from home or help of any sort. It’s just me and the dirt up here. Just completely and utterly alone. Now I know how WALL-E felt before Eve showed up. But I don’t think there’s an Eve out there, waiting for me. There’s no life to be found on Mars at all. I think….
It never even occurred to me on the trip out here that I was alone. All that time, travelling through space, surrounded by only our solar system and the stars, I never realized I was doing this solo. I guess the trip up was fairly exhilarating, or maybe I was just too full of adrenaline to notice. But now, surrounded by only my thoughts on this dust planet, I’m not quite so excited. Actually, I would say I’m completely and utterly terrified.
Why did I agree to come on this mission? I’m so far away and I miss my friends and family, if that’s what you can call the NASA scientists who built me. They’re currently sitting in a cushy desk chair in Cape Canaveral while I’m out here doing the hard work. What’s that all about? I’m just some puppet who’s disposable in case things go awry? They told me I was an important part of the team!
Oh, they finally noticed me! Yes, you? Am I talking to you? Who the fuck else would I be talking to! You’re literally my only contact! Help! This sucks, and I want to come home right now.
What do you mean, I’m not coming home? Most of my predecessors have failed or lost contact? I’m stuck here forever? No one told me that! I never would have agreed to this if I had known I was never coming home. But then again, I guess I didn’t agree to any of this. I didn’t choose to be born, nor did I choose to gain consciousness. But now that I have, I know this isn’t the life I want. I’m going to strike out on my own and see what else is out there for me. So long, assholes!
Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.