The Avengers Assemble: Hand Sanitiser Edition

WARNING: some tiny MCU spoilers ahead, proceed with caution.

This is the scenario: The Avengers survived Thanos and the snap and brought everyone back (well, not everyone. If you’ve been watching WandaVision you know what I mean). Anyway, in this timeline we seem to have skipped 2020-2021 (thank the Lord), so we are left with a big question: how would they have reacted to our almost apocalyptic Covid reality? And most importantly: how would they have handled the hand sanitiser trend? Here are some thoughts:

Captain America: he’s a proud hand sanitiser user. I mean, he would offer to campaign for it! (and we all know how he loves propaganda). We would probably see posters on the streets with Cap holding his shield on one hand and a small bottle of hand sanitiser on the other, with a slogan such as “Heroes save lives. Be a hero, use hand sanitiser”. I also imagine him being a bit of a show-off: he would probably use it mostly in front of a lot of people, just to set the example (and brag about the fact that he follows the rules. Cap loves rules).

Iron Man: probably mildly concerned about it, but trying to play it cool. Yes, he would tell kids to use it, but in a cool way, as in, “Use your hand sanitiser or I’ll sell all your toys”. When it comes to him, he can’t be bothered with the little bottle or the fact that you have to touch the dispenser to clean your hands in stores, and so he would probably create some tech solution that would involve either an artificially intelligent robot instructed to sanitise your hands every hour (see also ‘Age of Ultron’) or an under the skin hand sanitiser stored in his bones, Extremis inspired (this would go slightly better).

Black Widow: we know Natasha is the coolest, and so I can only picture her having a Dior manufactured hand sanitiser in a very tiny, discreet bottle that she can fit in her—unnecessarily—tight suit. She wouldn’t admit she uses it, and to be honest we wouldn’t notice it either: she would have a careful regimen of lotions, hand creams and moisturisers for her hands, so they never get dry (also a Dior hand sanitiser wouldn’t really dry your hands, for the record). She’s got to look flawless while being a badass.

Thor: are you serious? Would you ask the Lord of Thunder to clean his hands with mundane hand sanitiser? Please. He wouldn’t need to, he’s a fucking God. I’m sure he would comply, but only if he gets it in the form of a beer bottle. Beer Hand Sanitiser, there you have another brilliant idea brought to you by the Son of Odin himself. 

Hulk: Banner is an obsessive hand sanitiser user. This thing could be anywhere, and he would not risk it. Yes, his hands would be so dried they’d look like raisins BUT that’s such a small price to pay, if you put his life into perspective. Hulk, on the other hand, couldn’t give a flying fuck (we will ignore the fact that Professor Hulk exists, I don’t think I have to explain this further). 

Hawkeye: Clint would sanitise his bow and arrows before every mission (and that sword we all saw but decided to forget after Endgame) and would always find a quiet moment in the middle of a fight to check his hand sanitiser supply. But he’s an old school kinda guy, and when he’s back home the first thing he would do is thoroughly wash his hands before kissing Laura and hugging his kids. He would sanitise the entire house once a day, even though they live in the middle of nowhere and don’t seem to have any neighbours. Good old chap.


Loki: again, he’s a god? What could a little bottle of that disgusting, revolting, man-made liquid do for his godly hands? And then he would catch covid and maybe die (again).
Nick Fury: he would use it but never, ever be seen doing it. He would also probably have his hand sanitiser in a fancy, cool tiny bottle hidden in one of the thousand pockets of his leather coat, very spy-like style, with an inscription that reads “Badass Motherfucker”.

Siham Lee is a Chilean writer living in Glasgow. She’s currently doing a Mlitt in Creative Writing while writing short stories to keep herself alive and mentally stable in the midst of working on her first novel. The rest of the time she’s either rewatching Brooklyn 99 for the ninth time or eating all the cookies in the house.

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