The Home Office as Every Concert and Club Night That Should’ve Been

Hitting delete on that out of office e-mail
while listening to dance music from the noughties
as though you’re dropping the best effect
is the new air guitar

Enter your password to unlock
as if you’re nailing the keyboard solo
Always need that green icon
acting as an alibi

Hurt your wrist on the desk
doing air drum fills
Scream into your water bottle
Pretend those prescriptions drugs
are something more

Argue nonsensically with your belligerent children
mimicking your favourite scuffles
Order a drink from the waitress
and practice chat up lines
even though, she’s your wife

And for that extra touch of
you can always “end” the night
by dropping your phone in the toilet
with the wife’s hairdryer
set up as a hand dryer
to wave the battery port under.

Scott Cumming enjoys reading too much to consider himself a proper writer. He resides in Aberdeen with his partner and two sons. Catch up with all his misdemeanours on Twitter @tummidge

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