How To Use Twin Peaks to Explain Why You’re Having an Affair

You’re an awful human being, but you’ve decided to do one morally apt thing which is telling your significant other you’re cheating on them. There’s never an easy way to do this, until now. You contemplated writing a letter, you considered taking them out to dinner, you even pondered the idea of blaring Future’s unfaithful lyrics in front of their house. With no feasible way to admit your love crime, you decide it’s best to just sit back and watch a new show with your partner. Today is your lucky day, because Netflix recommended Twin Peaks and all you have to do is explain the premise.

Follow the prompt below:

“Laura Palmer is dead. She was dating Bobby Briggs, but Laura was secretly seeing James Hurley who is now seeing Laura’s best friend, Donna Haynard. James lives with his uncle, Ed Hurley who is married to Nadine Hurley. Ed is having an affair with Norma Jennings who is married to an imprisoned man named Hank Jennings. Bobby Briggs was cheating on Laura with Shelley Johnson who is married to Leo Johnson, a man who was also secretly seeing Laura. The psychiatrist who treated Laura Palmer, Dr. Jacoby, is secretly obsessed with her. The sheriff who found Laura’s body, Harry Truman, is dating Josie Packard, the widow of the man who owned the sawmill in town. Josie lives with Catherine Packard and her husband. Catherine Packard is having an affair with Benjamin Horne, the owner of a luxury hotel in Twin Peaks. Along with all this, I am cheating on you with your best friend Jesse.”

Now this is a lot of information to take in so make sure to give them time, but not for healing. Make sure you give your partner enough time to keep track of all the characters because there are about 27 in the first season and 10 of them are having an affair of some sort. Adding you to the mix makes it 11 infidelities to keep track of. This will likely confuse your significant other so be prepared to answer plenty of questions. One that they will inevitably ask is: “How long has it been going on?” You just respond with “Since 1990 but they rebooted it a couple times.” Another question you may hear is, “How could my own friend do this to me? It’s so out of the ordinary.” To which you respond, “I know it’s strange but that’s just how David Lynch is. Once you get past it, it’s actually a really cool show.” Perhaps the most common question a partner will ask is “Why would you cheat on me?” and the best way to answer that is “.lamron saw ti kniht em edam skaeP niwT tub yrros m’I”

Of course there is no perfect way to tell someone you’re cheating on them, but by golly, Twin Peaks sure does make it look acceptable. If you ever start to feel guilty, just remember that everyday you must give yourself a present. Don’t plan it. Don’t wait for it. Just let it happen. All you did was let it happen a few too many times with Jesse. Good luck!

John Hedrick is a standup comedian from Columbia, MD who performed from 2018-2020. He plans to start performing again but once he can do it safely. If you know a way to get all three vaccines at once and mix them up like a Long Island Iced Tea, let him know. For now, John is running a satirical news site for Asian Americans called The Lunar Times. Follow them on Twitter and Instagram @The_Lunar_Times

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