“Air Canada has hired social-media influencers to encourage Canadians to fly on non-essential vacation travel in spite of federal guidelines…to stay home.”
Dear Prime Minister,
You’re a rotten mean Prime Minister and you never give me anything I want! When I became CEO of Air Canada after washing out of Wonka’s ‘Who Wants to Own My Factory contest,’ you and Daddy said this virus would be over by summer and now it’s not and you lied!
I’ve lost $685 million golden tickets in the last quarter alone. I was already carrying trauma from the squirrel attack in Wonka’s factory and now I have to fire more people. Not that I care about firing people, but I’m running out of losers to axe to pay for my mink coat collection.
They’re medically necessary–I have to cover all the scars from falling down the garbage chute in Wonka’s nut sorting room.
You’re just jealous of me! Send me 100,000 paying passengers a day. And by the way: Don’t feed me that hogwash about the safety of Canadian citizens. Insisting people get tested 72 hours before they fly is as ridiculous and impractical as having to wait for your own bean feast. You might as well tell them to find a golden goose for Easter.
What are they supposed to do if they’re positive? Cancel their trip? I have news for you, I won’t refund their money. It’s mine and I’m keeping it.
If you keep telling me to give it back I’ll hold my breath until I pass out!
This isn’t March 2020. We clean and sanitize the bejesus out of our planes and use premium quality HEPA filters to catch nasty bugs. Some passengers might bring COVID to a country poorly equipped to deal with infection, but whose fault is that? I required my hired help to wear astronaut suits and helmets while working in my mansion as soon as the virus spread worldwide!
I protected myself all by myself. Nobody yelled at Daddy to buy those suits except me. If other countries don’t take the same precautions they can suck snozberry!
Cease and desist these stupid warnings from virologists and tell people that going on vacation saves lives. I don’t care how, but I want it now! In addition, I want a party with room-fulls of laughter and ten thousand tonnes of ice cream.
And I’m warning you; if I don’t get the things I’m after I’m going to scream!
Veruca Salt, CEO
Teresa Douglas: I am an American living in Vancouver Canada, and one of the editors at Greener Pastures. I used to only write business and literary things, but the pandemic radicalized me into a comedian. I have work in Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Slackjaw. I also have an MBA and an MFA, which makes me a professional BSer.