Power Pivot Tank Top ($58, Lululemon)
This tight-fit, cropped-length piece with powerful sweat-wicking technology is more than meets the eye; if you tire of the traditional tank look, spin it around and wear it as a breathable v-neck! Or don’t buy it at all and fall into the pits of hell, where every day you meet a doctor who refers to your mom as “mom.” The choice is yours, yogis!
Salutation Stash Pocket II ($98, Athleta)
These leggings come with “butterfly soft fabric,” “support that feels like a gentle hug,” and pockets in which you can stash whatever you like. I’ll salute to that! Or I’ll salute you on your way to the underworld, where you can enjoy mandatory viewings of the movie “Paterson,” in which Adam Driver plays a man named Paterson who lives in Paterson, New Jersey and writes poetry in his head as he drives a bus through Paterson. You won’t even have pockets in which to stash your eyes.
Nylon Interstate Jacket ($148, Outdoor Voices)
This sleek, water-repellent, full-zip jacket gives you the ability to cross from one state to the next, like a portkey from Harry Potter or a driver’s license on Earth. You can buy it in “Scout,” “Fossil,” or “Basalt,” or head on down to Hades where the only state you’ll be crossing is from panic to insanity as you’re trapped in an Intro to PolySci course where the professor thinks it’s funny to say “No!” when you ask to use the bathroom and waits five seconds for the whole class to laugh uncomfortably before he lets you go.
Always Effortless Trench Coat ($198, Lululemon)
Trench coats traditionally involve a lot of effort, be it the effort to conceal a lining filled with explosives or the effort to balance three mischievous children on top of each other. Well not this one, whose water-repellent Glyde™ technology is “designed for On the Move”! What will require effort, however, is keeping your cool (in a notoriously hot place!) as you’re forced to listen to an interminable stream of podcasts where the host inserts themself into the story. As a bearded 30-something ponders— “I was beginning to wonder if I was being sucked into his story, if I was just another victim in his web of lies…” — you’ll wonder if you should’ve just bought the fucking trench coat.
Mid-Rise Drop-Crotch Jogger Pants with Asymmetrical Zipper-Pocket ($34, JoyLab)
These trendy bottoms also come with “rib-knit ankle cuffs” which provide a “stay-put fit and laid-back flare.” You might be thinking— that’s way too many hyphens for my pants. But you know where else there’s hyphens? Amidst the red-hot hell-fire, where you’ll find Kim Jong-un, well-known for being a top-notch full-time dictator, and Daniel Day-Lewis, who’s doing full-immersion method-acting but really just being the-worst! All you need to save yourself from those ne’er-do-wells are these joggers, currently on sale at Target; now that’s what I call a “must-have”!
Ramsey Daniels has a B.A. in English from Skidmore College. His work has been published in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady Comedy, Humor Darling, Table Magazine, and Queen Mob’s Teahouse. He also performs stand-up comedy and has had the chance to open for national acts such as Shane Torres (Conan) and Chris Porter (Kimmel). He currently resides in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.