Are they your special little baby and there’s no one in the world like them? (+0 points)

Do they have a manbun? (+2 points)

Do they like sand? (-3 points)

Was their first word only one syllable? (-1 point)

Was their first word part of a complete sentence? (+0 point)

Was their first word part of a complete modern retelling of The King and I in fluent Tusken? (+2 points)

Are they low on power converters? (-1 point)

Do they eat live frogs whole? (+1 points)

Were they born without a father? (+1 points)

Were they born without a mother? (+5 points)

Are they your sober driver? (+2 points)

Are they afraid of the dark? (-2 points)

Are they afraid of the dark side? (+0 points)

Are they afraid of Are You Afraid Of The Dark? (+1 point)

Do bearded men keep showing up at your door asking for an updated midi-chlorian count? (+1 points)

Did a thin braid of hair inexplicably grow behind their right ear? (+1 points)

Do they communicate proficiently with your home security system? (+1 points)

Are they your home security system? (+3 points)

Scorecard:

0 points or less = your child is Jar Jar Binks

0-5 points = your child is probably just possessed

5-10 points = your child should be on The View

10-15 points = your child should be on Oprah

15+ points = Disney+ should do a spin-off about your child



Josh Sippie: I’m the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers. My work has appeared in McSweeney’s, I have an ongoing Fiction series (about Yoda!) at Hobart and a forthcoming humor column at Points in Case.