The Sock Theory

*Writer’s tip for the reader: take a shot every time you read the word ‘sock’ in this column.


What about socks?

Ugly socks. Pretty socks. Matching socks. Short socks, long socks. Patterned socks. Plain socks.

I have pretty much every type of sock you can imagine. I didn’t realise this until I decided to organise my sock box the other day, which is actually more like 3 boxes of socks. Mind me, they’re not big, but while trying to organise them I noticed how they simply didn’t fit anymore. This means that some of my socks end up in my underwear box, or the thighs box, or the beanies/gloves box. Long story short: my socks are pretty much everywhere. And in a very Carrie Bradshaw moment, I couldn’t help but wonder: are socks the new shoes? Maybe not, but they can say a lot about a person for sure. This is the psychological analysis I conducted while organising my box, now named ‘The Sock Theory’.

If you only have black and white socks: you’re a boring asshole. Sorry, but we live in the twenty first century. Socks are a thing, and if you can’t buy yourself a pair of funny socks then you should try and do better.

If you match your socks with your clothes: you’re trying too hard to look cool, specially if your socks are visible. If they’re not visible, you just want to feel cool. We’ve all done this, and so you have my respect for trying so hard. 

If you never seem to put on the same pair of socks: depends on how accidental this is. If you really can’t find the same socks over and over again, then you are a huge mess and your life is probably a disaster. If you do this on purpose, I can only ask: why? Why do you do this to yourself? This type of people only want to see the world burn. 

If you only wear short socks: hmmm. Aren’t you cold in winter?

If you only wear long socks: your calves are gorgeous babe, no need to hide them. 

If you have socks for every single occasion (like me): you’re the best. I’m not being biased here, I honestly think people who own tons of different socks are fun and deserve better. We deserve bigger boxes for our socks.

If you keep putting on the same pair of socks even though they are full of holes: you love these socks with your soul. They make you happy, they make you feel complete. When you’re having a good day, you know that wearing these socks will make you feel better. You’re a kind but slightly too emotional human, and that’s perfectly fine. Just try not to wear them if you know you’ll have to take off your shoes somewhere.

If you hate socks (?): I don’t have words for you. There’s honestly no reason to hate socks, I mean, they’re pretty necessary?

If you sleep with socks: you’re cute. You’re even cuter if you sleep with nothing else but your socks. There’s something protective about having your feet covered, and I get that. We get you, my friend. 

If you sleep without socks: you’re brave. You’re strong. You are not afraid of anything. You don’t need no socks to fall asleep. We all wish we could be like you. 
If you have sex with socks: I’m 99% sure this means you have intimacy issues, but who knows. Maybe it just means you like your feet to be extra warm. Nobody’s judging here.

Siham Lee is a Chilean writer living in Glasgow. She’s currently doing a Mlitt in Creative Writing while writing short stories to keep herself alive and mentally stable in the midst of working on her first novel. The rest of the time she’s either rewatching Brooklyn 99 for the ninth time or eating all the cookies in the house.

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