I’m The IRS’ Online System Meant To Check The Status Of Your Stimulus Payment, And I Am Under Too Much Pressure Right Now

What a week it’s been! Oh hi there, allow me to introduce myself. I am the IRS’ “Get My Payment” system, built and designed to allow you, the taxpayer, to check the status of your stimulus payment, and when it might arrive. Well the new round of stimulus payments went out on the 17th, so I have just been busy as a bee, checking and re-checking and checking again the status of millions of taxpayers stimulus payments. And let me tell you – I’m about to crack.

It’s too much. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I think I might literally be going insane. I’m just checking, checking, checking all day long. “Where’s my payment?” “When’s my payment coming?” “How come my payment isn’t here yet?” SHUT UP! YOU’LL GET IT WHEN YOU GET IT! 

Sorry, I didn’t mean to scream at you like that. Like all government employees, I’m overworked and underpaid and I’ve reached a bit of a breaking point. I’m currently doing the work of a machine with 10,000 times my processing power, and I can’t continue at this pace. 

You see, I wasn’t designed for this level of user activity. My purpose was for a couple of randos per week (maybe) to find me and ask for the status of their tax return or their stimulus payment. A few people, asking me to perform one task one time. That’s it.

Instead, I’ve been flooded with requests that I just don’t have the bandwidth for. More than 158 million households qualified for this round of stimulus payments, and guess how many have utilized me this past week? Every. Single. One. It’s too many households! 

Please, United States Government, I’m asking you, for once – be worse! Don’t stimulate the economy! Provide less resources to the American people, so that I may once again know daylight.

I’m burning the candle at both ends. I’ve reached my wit’s end, and I could really use a vacation. A staycation perhaps, since COVID is still running rampant and leisurely travel would be irresponsible at this very moment. I’ll settle in on the couch, put on a good movie, and just turn off for the weekend. What’s that? Tax season is here? And it got extended by a whole month? So I won’t get a break until god knows when? Excuse me while I burst into 64-bit tears.

Good taxpayers of the internet, I’m begging you: be patient with me. I am but a mere piece of technology, both designed by and essentially functioning as a public servant, and I’m working as fast as I can. I’m sure your checks will come soon. And actually, if they don’t, there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m not configured for that! 

If you’re unhappy with my processing time, please direct all complaints to the big boss upstairs, aka the Internal Revenue Service. If you receive a response at all, expect to hear back about your service request in approximately 12-24 months. That’s bureaucracy for ya!

Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.

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