What Is It About Me That Attracts The Crazy Ones? (by A Horse)

Like anyone else, I’ve been feeling giddy to get out there and start meeting women. See, I’m always the one dragging a hopelessly-in-love couple around the city in a carriage, but has anyone ever thought if I would like to be the one on a date getting driven around by a human? Believe me, I’ve done the apps like Tinder, Bumble, and even horsesonly.com, but I’ve mostly been getting ghosted. The only women I attract? Crazy ones, aka “horse girls” who seem to have a fetish for someone like me and I’m sick of it!

What is it about me that attracts these so-called “horse girls” or as I call them, “girls”? Just because I live in a stable, doesn’t mean I’m emotionally stable to handle them. Girls get one My Little Pony set as a kid and there’s no galloping back. Could it be because I’m well groomed? Perhaps they love that I happen to have the same hair as a woman. They always offer to braid my hair like we’re at a sleepover, which is annoying. And honestly…I hate to ask, but do they only like me because of my enormous penis? I’m not a piece of meat! At least in most cultures.

My friends hate hearing about my dates and they’re always saying “get off your high horse”—I mean, me. But the dates I’ve been on with these women jockeying for my heart really keep me up at night. These women always shine my horseshoe—I mean shoes, and sometimes we share a few stacks of hay like Lady and the Tramp. But I deal with the same issue from every woman. They always ask if they can ride me and I’m like neigh, slow down there. I’m a horse who wants to walk around the track a few times with a girl before even thinking about a ride. I wish these women were as classy as the hats they wear to the Kentucky Derby. Last week, I went on a date, things started getting hot and heavy (she was brushing my mane), and we went back to her room and there’s all these horse posters on her wall! I said, “Is that Brownie?” She had all her exes plastered on her wall like a stalker! This horse girl’s definitely been around the track a few times.

A lot of my friends say, “why the long face?” And to tell you the truth, it’s that dating’s hard enough without a bunch of horse girls foaming at the mouth at the chance to clean the shit out of your barn stall. You make the extra effort that you’re neatly groomed before a date, and the horse girls impose and want to do that for me instead of going to their high school prom. You go on hundreds of dates trying to find “the one” and not feel a connection, only to receive an early “u up? text from a horse girl wanting to take an early morning ride. It’s like a celebrity dating one of their fans. You think it’ll be okay being with someone who is already obsessed with you, but really you’re just worried they’ll go off the walls and castrate your balls.

Sometimes I long for a more…“normal” companion—neigh, a partner. In a perfect world, I picture a tall woman with a short, blond bob. Not a long scrunchied ponytail that goes down to the butt. Like me, this ideal woman likes to exercise and stay in shape, but can go for a morning jog around the neighborhood without having the uncontrollable need to transition into a trot, or even a gallop. My perfect date’s jeans? Unbedazzled. Her boots? If you can believe it, Doc Martens. But overall, I want to be with someone who has other hobbies besides…well, me. I want a relationship where we’re not always talking about my jumps, my shiny mane, and how large my shits are. I want to do other activities with my partner that have nothing to do with me, like, I don’t know, Netflix and graze. BUT ACTUALLY WATCH NETFLIX. Is that too much to ask?

Jeez, am I being too picky about all this? While they are super crazy, I do like when they feed me carrots and scratch my nose. And I’ll say, it is nice to be taken care of. Like I alluded earlier, I shit constantly. And somebody’s gotta pick it up! God, maybe I need to cool off about this with a game of horse, I mean, me, with my boys Lucky and Butterscotch. I don’t know…what do you think? Should I get back on the saddle and try it again with a horse girl? Yay or neigh? Yay? Well, off to the races I go! 

Daniel Stillman & Emily Kapp are Chicago-based comedy writers. Their work has appeared in The Onion, McSweeney’s, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady and more. You can read more of Daniel’s work here and Emily’s work here. Follow Daniel on Twitter @stillmania and Emily @emilykapp_.

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