TV’s Frank from MST3K means more to me than you’ll ever know – and, no, this poem isn’t going to tell you why

It was most likely the kiss curl and the lollypop that made me fall for TV’s Frank. 

Or perhaps it was his song to Nummy Muffin CooCool Butter 

(There’ll never be anodder). 

“He’s just a guy from the TV,” you might say, 

As my teacher, Mrs Stone, would definitely have said back then. 

(She of the “he’s obsessed” diatribe when I talked about my shows too often in class). 

And, yeah, Frank is just a guy from the TV; the clue is very much in his name, 

and he was never meant to be a role model, either; 

the ex-Arby’s employee, the second banana to Dr Forrester, 

The butt of jokes, like that time he became a living game of Operation

Or when he had his eye gouged out with a melon baller 

And his blood replaced with radiator fluid. 

But I love him all the same 

(There will truly never be anodder) 

Because, until his ascension to Second Banana Heaven, 

And his commemoration as a Satellite of Love doorknob, 

TV’s Frank was my spit-curled rock, 

No matter the lawnmower that shredded him alive, 

Or the anvil that flattened him like Wile E. Coyote. 

He was there every week, taking part in the Invention Exchange, 

Pushing the button for Dr F, 

As consistent as his hairdo, 

As constant as a brother. 

Although more than that. 

Because you asked me about role models, didn’t you? 

And I chose TV’s Frank, 

When, on other occasions, 

It might have been Bob Belcher’s moustache, 

Or Doctor Who’s scarf and piano keyboard smile. 

And now you’ve got to wonder why. 

Or, at least, I hope you will. 

Because I’ll keep giving you these guys as my examples, 

Until you do.

Mike Hickman (@MikeHicWriter) is a writer from York, England. He has written for Off the Rock Productions (stage and audio), including 2018’s “Not So Funny Now” about Groucho Marx and Erin Fleming. He has recently been published in EllipsisZine, Dwelling Literary, Bandit Fiction, Nymphs, Flash Fiction Magazine, Brown Bag, and Safe and Sound Press. His co-written, completed six-part BBC radio sit com remains frustratingly as unproduced as it was the last time he updated this biography.

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