ELON: Do you guys want to try Tesla-brand tequila? I’m having a bottle delivered here. I make it myself!
SNL WRITERS: Maybe later. So, Elon, do you have any ideas for what you’d like to do on the show this week?
ELON: Hundreds. Thousands. Millions. I’m practically an emerald mine full of ideas!
SNL WRITERS: Great, let’s hear them!
ELON: First, I was thinking we do something where I’m giving out the COVID vaccine, and it turns everyone into genderless zombies.
SNL: Well, aside from being offensive towards trans and nonbinary people, it could cause people to not want to get the vaccine.
ELON: That vaccine is just Bill Gates trying to inject us all with microchips. He engineered COVID and caused a big uproar, just so everyone would want the antidote by the time Microsoft finished concocting it.
SNL WRITERS: Right…What else you got?
ELON: I want to do a sketch where I sell dogecoin.
SNL WRITERS: Like a fake commercial? Sure, we’ve done plenty of those. Viewers love them, and they do great on Youtube afterwards.
ELON: Except at the end, there’s a QR code that takes you to a real site where you can actually buy dogecoin. I just bought shares yesterday and I’ve already made thirty million dollars.
SNL WRITERS ROOM: Um, that just sounds like a real ad and not a comedy sketch.
ELON: No but see the joke is, it’s both a sketch and a real ad. Get it?
SNL WRITERS: Any other ideas?
ELON: How about a sketch with Miley Cyrus and myself?
SNL WRITERS: Now you’re cooking! We do always like to try and get the musical guest into a sketch. What’s the idea?
ELON: That’s it. I just want to do something with Miley Cyrus.
SNL WRITERS: Oh. Well, if you want to meet her, you’ll be introducing her musical performances, and you’ll be shooting promo videos with her to promote the episode.
ELON: How about she sings “Wrecking Ball,” and I swing around on the ball instead of her?
SNL WRITERS: We can’t really tell the musical guest what to sing –
ELON: Or, how about a sketch where we play the president and first lady?
SNL WRITERS: Actually, that’s not bad.
ELON: Fuck yeah!
SNL WRITERS: And it can take place on your future colony on the Moon!
ELON: Excuse me?
SNL WRITERS: That’s you, right? You’re going to move everyone to the moon?
ELON: IT’S MARS! I’M TAKING EVERYONE TO MARS! How do you idiots not know it’s Mars???
SNL WRITERS: We do. That was us doing a bit.
ELON: A what now?
SNL WRITERS: A bit.
ELON: Is that something to do with bitcoin? Like a bitcoin and an NFT combined?
SNL WRITERS: No, it’s a joke, Elon.
ELON: Well I didn’t get it, so it must not have been very funny. You know what would be funny? If I did a sketch where I ran for president against Donald Trump.
SNL WRITERS: You mean like a debate sketch?
ELON: Yeah, yeah. Except instead of debating, we just whip our dicks out and have a measuring contest.
SNL WRITERS: May we remind you this is a live show?
ELON: Says who?
SNL WRITERS: Says us, the people who make the show.
ELON: Yeah, okay, sure. We’ll see how “live” it really is.
SNL WRITERS: This is broadcast television. If we didn’t get immediately pulled off the air, we’d be fined by the FCC, probably well over a million dollars.
ELON: Is that a lot of money to you?
SNL WRITERS: It’s more than the entire budget of this episode, so yes.
ELON: No matter, I’ll pay the fines. My dad made so much money from Apartheid, I mean the 80’s, I could buy the FCC. Also, I want to do a sketch where I’m on Joe Rogan.
SNL WRITERS: That could be funny –
ELON: And I want Joe to play himself.
SNL WRITERS: What’s the joke?
ELON: That’s the joke. It’s Joe and I doing “bits” as you apparently call talking now.
SNL WRITERS: That just sounds like you’re appearing on his show.
ELON: I don’t understand what the problem is.
SNL WRITERS: His show is a casual, uncensored interview program. Also, it’s a podcast. This is a live comedy show. For television.
ELON: Back to my earlier idea – Instead of a dick measuring contest, what about a dick sword fight contest between me and Bezos?
SNL WRITERS: You mean you want to have a sketch where you and an actor playing Jeff Bezos –
ELON: Not an actor, I want Jeff Bezos himself.
SNL WRITERS: – where you and the CEO of Amazon pull out your dicks and have a sword fight with them? On television?
ELON: I’ll win, of course.
SNL WRITERS: Elon, aside from the fact that it’s not comedy, we can’t air that.
ELON: Can’t or won’t? Nevermind. As soon as my tequila gets here, everyone’s taking shots, and then we can get into my real ideas.
SNL WRITERS: Your real ideas?
ELON: Of course. Those were just the beginning. I can’t wait to do this all week!
SNL WRITERS: We really need to get canceled.
Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.